It finally arrived today - the big day 30! The technical end to the challenge at Sacred! It has been a whirl wind of a 30 days that's for sure. I had no idea what to expect going in, but I feel like I've hit my all time yoga low and all time yoga high in this past month. I'm just glad I went in with the complete conviction that I was going to finish no matter what.

(*Right- snapshots of me either about to fall, falling, or having fallen. &don't worry mom, I'm never anywhere close to the edge of the roof!)


Yesterday might have been my toughest day, for many reasons. Emotionally I don't even think I was in my body, and mentally my thoughts were running nonstop all day. It was one of those days where I couldn't let go of my negativity- it just seethed through me and nothing made me feel good. I didn't want to go to class at all, and I seriously considered not going, but with two days left and having accomplished 28 days already, I knew it wasn't an option. So I draaaaaagged myself there, and I was practically in tears before the class even began. 

(*Left - my 30 inversions for my personal 30 day inversion challenge.  I'm so happy with how far my pincha has come!)

How do you let go during days like that? How do you put yourself aside and move just by the commands of an instructor? How do you focus on breathing when it feels like all of your thoughts have been strangling your brain all day? How do you give into release when all you've been trying to do for 24 hours is find control? At this point I'm not sure I could tell you the answer to any of these, because half way through class I gave up.


(*Right - close up 1 of 2 celebratory inversion poses from today. Getting more time in my handstands, perhaps next month will be a dedicated handstand challenge?)

You know, yoga is not something terribly serious. Class is not a life or death situation, and really, from an observers standpoint it just looks beautiful and peaceful. In action itappears to be rejuvenating, graceful, balanced, strong - exactly all the qualities it in turn gives you. But couldn't you say that about most things? Life included? Most of the time it looks rather easy from the outside, and when done with mindfulness, peacefulness, and openness it actually is pretty easy. But a lot of the time it's actually pretty tough, and when you start to notice all the things influencing and effecting a persons life you start to realize it's extremely complicated. 

On my best days I am what yoga gives me - peaceful, mindful, open, balanced. On my worst days I am fighting against what the world is pushing on me - which could be any combination of crazy things that you pull out of the air. And that fight either wins and I surrender into feeling awful about myself, or I win and get a little extra boost of strength that I can hold onto for the next rainy day. Yesterday I lost, and although I stayed through class and tried my best to finish out each pose, I felt defeated. It's a pretty lame feeling. (*Below- my celebratory pincha pose :)


But what I took from the class, which is a lesson that I've tried to learn over and over and over in a million different ways, is that I can not beat myself up about not being able to do something in the absolute best way I can. Yesterdays class only started getting too difficult when I started feeling like I was doing poorly and I started getting angry at myself for it. From that point it's just a vicious cycle of me getting more and more upset with myself and slowly starting to feel worse and worse. I need to know when to lighten up, and when it's okay for me to say "yeah I can sit this one out." No one except me expects anything from me, so it's okay for me to lower my expectations when it's just too much. But damn it's hard to remember in real time.

The funny thing is I must have needed to really get something out of my system, because today's class was one of the best of the whole 30 days. It was just pure fun, and I left feeling all the wonderful energy a great class fills me with. I'm sure it being my official final day helped a lot, but nothing of the tension that I had last night was with me. Isn't that interesting? The universe can one day feel like it's crashing on us, and the next it can feel like nothing could keep us down. Just goes to show that everything is impermanent, the good and the bad. All we can ask from ourselves is to soak in as much of the beauty and weightlessness from the good times, and to get through the heavy times with grace and with patience. Because it will all eventually pass.

So that's it! 30 days done, yoga blog done…. JUST KIDDING! Neither are done in my book. I'm going for the full 40 yoga days, if not more, and you can expect to see a whole lot more posting here for who knows how long. This yoga girl's journey is no where near the end, and as a matter of fact, this is only the beginning :) x

My mom came into town yesterday and at dinner we started discussing exercise (a topic that often comes up for us) and I told her something that was very true to me about yoga. Yoga is not something I have to do every day to stay fit. It is not my exercise. It is not a requirement for me, not even in this challenge. I am not forcing myself to do this for some perfect result I'm trying to head towards. And it is not "work" in the sense that I have to really try passed my natural desires.


(* Above - the beautiful sky from the other night after practice)

Yoga has become for me a practice of growth and internal and external evolution. It's a necessary balance to keep my body happy, like eating or breathing. It's my daily medicine, and it's my daily check in with myself. The secondary benefits that come naturally are a stronger body and mind, a healthier outlook on life, a growing amount of patience and humility and love…

(* Right- a lot of handstand and pincha practice this week. These poses are too fun to not practice every day!)

(* Below- me and Tanya in our headstands :)

It's just like a sincere long lasting relationship. If you're with someone you love, happiness isn't necessarily always going to be there, because happiness and love aren't always tied together. Happiness is the secondary benefit that comes from being your partner's mirror, their honest and objective reliance, their compassionate and understanding ear, and their loyal heart. Striving for those aspects allows for happiness to naturally find it's way through, and it stays rooted deep rather than just being on the surface.

Yoga is the same way. Each practice is not always going to be awesome and you're not always going to be able to preform in the same way, but the benefits and joy that comes from daily practice born out of the desire for one's own personal growth is deep and long lasting. Which is what I personally think is the key to how yogis live so long :)

This week has been so busy, but what has really kept me grounded through the stress has been my practice. It's a wonderful thing to come back to. I also taught my first "unofficial" class with a friend of mine, and it just reaffirmed how much I really want to teach. I can't wait to start training.

And now off to day 27! I most definitely can't get enough of all of this, so I think I'm just going to keep going and not put an end date on the challenge. Who knows - maybe I'll go a whole lot longer than I thought I could! xo

Another weekend past and another 4 days I've been too busy to blog! Oh well, I'm getting used to the three-entries-a-week routine. It's nice to recap several days of yoga versus every single day.

Days 19-22 taught me a few very interesting things about myself. I'm a worker, by blood, by habit, by everything and when I work I expect to see results and progress. I don't like to "move backward" because I feel like I'm losing valuable time that I could be using to keep growing.


(*Left - my best hollow back handstand to date! Below - a few bloopers. I tried to practice my pincha but it was so windy, no matter where I was on my roof!)

I know that sometimes in order to move forward in the best way we have to take a couple steps back because we may have started walking down the wrong path, or not the best path to get to where we want to go. But I have the hardest time remembering this in real life. I become extremely stubborn and I want to be able to perform at the level I've proven I can perform.

A couple months ago I over extended my upper hamstring right where it meets the back of my hip. It's not a serious injury, but it hurt (still does sometimes) if I sat for too long, or to stretch my hamstrings too deeply. I did a bunch of research and since hamstrings take so long to heal it could take months for this injury to feel completely normal again. The only thing I can do is take it easy. Which I did for a month, and when it started feeling a little better, of course I started stretching it the way I used to. Last Friday it hit me really hard that this injury was nowhere near healed and in fact I might have recently inflamed it more. I became extremely irritated by this, feeling like I couldn't practice fully and I wasn't receiving all the benefits I could be getting.

(*Right - our weekly produce from the community garden! With the mushrooms and the green beans I made a raw green bean casserole which ended up being more like a green bean salad with marinaded beans, mushroom sauce, dehydrated caramelized onions, and chopped almonds.)

Which is not the truth at all. I let this very impermanent injury get into my mind and control my thoughts to the point where I wasn't able to relax into meditation, which I could have done had I just accepted that I needed to back off. Instead of seeing it as an annoyance it is rather an opportunity not only to concentrate on other parts of the postures that need strengthening (and not put all the reliance into my legs!) but to also relax into the acceptance and know that this will all pass. My body will heal, and I will be completely fine through the healing process.

My body and my mind have clearly proven to me that they've been fighting for a while, and this challenge is helping to work out their issues and make them friends again. When my body speaks, I NEED to listen. It's imperative that I listen, because without it … well we all know where I'd be without it. And when my mind speaks I need to listen to it, but with awareness, because sometimes it's speaks out of an immediate defensive reaction versus a conscious, gut-reaction.

(*Right - just before my first pole dancing class which was a blast! Showin off my gunsss...)

So in conclusion, my goal this week is to try to see things differently. To not start with my mind and my developed opinions and judgements, but to try to come into each situation with completely open senses. To listen to all the signals my body is telling me and develop my opinions from those signals. If that means stepping back and having to start over for some things (whether physical or mental) then so be it. It's about conscious growth, not brute force.





Also, one last side note, something I researched recently was the time it takes to break a habit. Many studies say it takes 40 days to break a habit, 90 days to develop a new habit, 120 days to become the habit, and 1000 days to master the habit. I might be extending my 30 day challenge…

Okay so I'm not usually a complainer. As a matter of fact complaining is one of my major pet peeves, and my mentality towards complaining is usually if it bugs you then it's really going to bug the person you're complaining to, so just don't complain. I understand venting, getting things off your chest, working things out vocally, needing validation by having someone listen, but just straight up whining gets me.

(*Left - Jon took me out to Quintessence, a raw &vegan 
restaurant in the East Village, for my official birthday 
dinner on Tuesday night. We started with spicy cashew 
cream hand rolls then I got the Mexican platter, and he 
got the portabello burger. All incredible.)

That being said, it's been hot as hell this week, and a bunch of little things are really starting to ruffle my feathers. The heat definitely adds an extra layer of toughness to everything it seems. It's frustrating because I know that I'm just being obnoxious when I complain (my poooorrr boyfriend) but between hot yoga and the hot new york heat, the closest thing I have to a break during the week is the ice cold shower I take after class. So, in an attempt to get it all off my chest, I'm going to have a little bitch sesh about the things that have been bugging me in my yoga practice. I'm hoping that 1. it will help me let go of my slight irritations 2. it will help me to NOT complain about something I love soooo much and really is no cause for complaint… EVER. I'm bringing in a few pictures that are completely unrelated, but are the positive to balance out my whiny negative. So here we go.

1. Hot yoga really messes with my eating habits. If I go in the morning, I won't eat before class, but if I go at night I have to be super careful about what I eat during the day. I have a very sensitive stomach- something that runs in my family- and I would rather not have to leave the room to throw up or feel really uncomfortable while trying to meditate in motion. However, that means I'm usually starving until I get to the studio, and after class when you'd think I'd still be hungry I've suddenly lost my appetite! It really get's my goat because I want to eat, we all know how much I love to eat, but the exercise has got my metabolism going and eating is the last thing my body wants! It's a mental conflict more than anything.

(*Right - on the way back from dinner we found a turtle upside down on the sidewalk. Of course we had to take him in and claim him as ours. His name is Spike <3)


(*Left - kept the raw kick kicking [its the only food that makes sense in this oven of a city!] with an almond chia cream + date cashew walnut crumble + fruit bowl the next morning. Really loving my vitamix!!)

2. After class (especially these days) I won't stop sweating for a good hour. I know this is a good thing- my body is detoxifying, cleansing, getting all the old stuff out. But when I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to work, after having taken a shower, and I'm still dripping like I was in the studio I get a little peeved.

3. I really drives me bonkers when my body won't perform the way I want it to. This means in simple movements such as stepping through to lunge (I still can't get that down!) or when we're curled up in a ball on the floor (I can't pull my knees to my chest because of the tension in my hips), or when emotional stuff comes up in class (lately it's been constant for camel… ugh) and it effects the rest of my practice. These things get me started on this cycle of self criticism that sometimes won't stop until well after class. It would be much better for me to just meet myself where I'm at and work to let it go, but doing that is so much harder when my body temperature feels like it's at boiling all class and all day!

(*Right - still working on my inversion practice when it's not scorching. Practiced a little core strengthening and bandha activation in my supported and not supported headstand on Tuesday.)

4. I'm not super fond of how often I have to shampoo my hair- my hair is getting pretty dry and I have to use extra conditioner. But that could also just be the fact that it's been upwards of 95 degrees all week.

5. I really don't like slipping on my mat.

6. I really don't like how often I have to do laundry.

7. I really wish I had a bottle of water that would constantly refill itself on it's own, constantly.

And I really think that's it. I completely understand if no one reads this post because really, who wants to read about someone's yoga irritations? Not very many people I'm guessing.

But I do think this has helped, and hopefully when I wake up bright and early tomorrow, head to the studio without eating, sweat all over my mat, slip around a bit, maybe step through to a lunge a couple times, and inevitably drink all the water in my bottle, I'll be very okay with all of it. <3

Although I haven't been on top of blogging, I have still be active in my yoga progress these past few days! I feel like I've been procrastinating on my homework- even though this is far more fun than typical "homework". This weekend was just one thing after another, starting with birthday celebrations all day Saturday, and I have just had a hard time fitting in all my dedications!

(*Right - the birthday-party-day breakfast made by Jon <3 black bean gumbo with hunks of avocado, avocado toast, peppered tomatoes, french toast, and grapefruit mimosas)

It has been an incredible 4 days though, with a whirl wind of emotions. This weekends practice brought up a whole bunch of feelings, and I felt pretty weakened by most of them. It wasn't so much that particular memories or experiences came back to me, but a feeling of hopelessness came over me whenever I had an extra moment to myself. I think the verdict of the Treyvon Martin case didn't help that as well. However I couldn't mentally articulate what exactly it was that was making me feel less than usual self, it was just a feeling.

(*Left - the ceiling of Bareburger- where a bunch of friends and I had my birthday dinner Saturday night)

Sunday night's class changed all of that though. I ended up taking a class I had never taken before with the owner of Sacred, who I know but I have also never taken a class by. The only thing I knew was that it was a heated hour and a half and that there would be few words and mostly music. She began by saying the theme for the class was healing, and that the soundtrack she chose was geared towards finding a healing inner power within us. We were encouraged to sing with the songs as well :)

(*Below - the delicious smelling honeysuckle of Hattie Carthan Community Garden - the garden we will now be getting a weekly produce basket from every Saturday)
The intention spoke very strongly to me, because it was EXACTLY what I needed. Instead of letting any negative thoughts of how weak or tired or frustrated or sad I had been feeling during the weekend come up, I focused on finding the strength from each movement to heal whatever it was that was hurt. I wasn't mental, it was just a feeling. And it was the entire bikram flow that I know so well from the beginning of my practice years ago. The whole class ended up being a reminder of why I began practicing yoga and why I continue to do so.

(*Below - a chilled beet, avocado, cashew cream soup with peppermint I made for dinner. It's been so hot here only cold food sounds appetizing. The beets and peppermint were both from our local produce basket <3)


Yoga is not about being flexible, it's not about being able to do all the poses in every class, and it's not even about being physically strong. It's about meeting yourself where you're at, and encouraging yourself to find the strength to be your best self and continuing to do better. It's about recognizing where you've been hurt (whether by yourself or by someone else), forgiving that person, and allowing yourself to heal- to really heal. And it's about feeling the connection between your choices, your environment, and everything within and around you and knowing that the beginning of you making a difference starts with you loving yourself and being true to your self, because everything you do and feel is connected to the world around you.



(*Right - saw a good friend from high school on Sunday. We spent several hours catching up at Mud coffee. I forget sometimes how wonderful it is to talk to someone from your hometown.)

It was a beautiful class, and I even ended up singing a little bit (very softly), and since then I've felt all the strength come back to me. The past two classes this week have been a blast, tough as usual, but the challenge is so welcome because I know it's for my improvement. And I'm already over half way done :)

Needless to say my inversion practice has also been suffering from all this running around. Not to mention this heat is definitely keeping me off my roof and just in front of my fan. But here's Monday's bandha + hollow back focused handstand.

This is a rush post, so I apologize if it's sloppy and not as well written as it could be, but I wanted to get some of my thoughts down before too many more days passed! And as proof of my busy-ness here are a bunch of pictures from the last four days. Hopefully I'll be posting again tomorrow! x

I had a conversation with a client Wednesday- the day after my two day birthday hiatus- that included me telling her I was playing a little catch up on work since I had been out of the office. She responded by saying sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to take a vacation because of all the work that piles up. I have to say although I heartily disagree (I always welcome vacation!) it does make a difference when you get back to work- I didn't even realize I had missed 3 days of entries!! I've been so busy...

But as far as my classes at Sacred have been, these last three days have been a super fun triad. Wednesday was the nighttime Flow 75 (favorite standard), Thursday was Get Up Get Down - a flow class with inversion play (so much fun &so many laughs!) and tonight was the Hot Wind Down- a butt kicker and best way to end the week. I have so many thoughts to accompany these classes, but I guess I'll start with the little stuff.

Like the actual little stuff. This week has been interesting because not only have I been having tons of random flashbacks to movies, songs, and books that I haven't thought of since.. junior high? But I've also been dreaming about people who I haven't seen in years! I'm pretty sure that my practice is creating this a bit, allowing things to come up that haven't been thought of or have been pushed down for a long long time.

Why I'm convinced of this is because now that I feel like I have a little more control in class than I've had in the past, I've been able to pay attention to the smaller details of each pose- really deepening and tapping into my edge. This is a great feeling during class and I really feel like I'm connecting to new parts of myself I haven't connected to before, and I feel like I'm also accessing areas of my body that have been untouched for a very long time. All of these little areas have energy triggers and storage spaces that have held things in, and now I'm getting into those areas and doing a little cleaning.

Energetically it's thrown me just a bit. It's been several months since I've gotten emotional because of a class, and this time around I'm calm and concentrated-just trying to ride it out instead of holding on to whatever my body is trying to let go of. But I must say it's tricky sometimes just because my normal habit is to hold things in, focus on them… that line about beating a dead horse- well that's what I usually do with my emotions. I really make sure they're dead before I can walk away from them, and I'm trying so hard to not let myself do that anymore. We only hold onto the things we allow ourselves to hold onto- I don't want to hold onto 10 year old feelings and dispositions. It's not what I want to focus my energy on anymore.


Saying these things is easy, but actually doing them is another story, because it can be really scary to do new things with your emotions especially when they're deeply tied to long standing habits. A really really fun aspect of the Get Up Get Down class was that it really challenged us to face our natural fear of falling/being upside down. It's so funny- I think I had a major Batman moment. I didn't think I was afraid of being upside down, especially after all the falling I've been doing in my personal inversion practice (!!) but during class I caught myself being scared to do simple little things with my body that were geared towards really challenging that fear. And it wasn't until I accepted that I was scared was I really able to face it and work to release it.

I didn't necessarily feel it in class, but today in my pincha practice I was able to fully balance in the pose in a way I haven't ever before. I felt much more control, and it was because I knew I was scared, but I was okay with it. This, to me, was a perfect example of how to work through old emotional habits- the first step being able to see them objectively for what they are, accepting that they've been a part of you for a long time and still are, and then actively working to counter them. And it's not just an emotional process- it's mental, physical, and definitely requires faith (in whatever way that fits you).

So today when I went into class I thought to myself- today I'm going to focus more on these little things, and try to work through them, gain more from them, and release them to make room for more growth. I didn't push myself 100%, I probably could have gone to my edge a little more,  but I walked out feeling really good about how I did, and really good about myself. And that's all you can really ask for when you leave class- that you leave feeling better than how you went in.

It's been a very interesting 3 days- there has never been a class that hasn't taught me something, and I feel like this 30 day challenge is the express route. I still have a bunch of thoughts from these last few days, but considering this post is getting long enough as is, I guess I should stop before I play all my cards ;) I'll leave you with my headstand/ airplane dance pose. Until tomorrow x

Yesterday I turned 24 :) It was a wonderfully lazy and relaxed day, filled with so much love and I felt so lucky and blessed all day.
(*Right - my goofy birthday face. I was so happy all day!)


Jon also made a delicious black bean taco pizza for dinner which was super yummy- it was a crust from scratch, black bean base, then my homemade nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato, homemade salsa and crispy tortilla shreds sprinkled on top. I am so grateful to have a boyfriend who's so good in the kitchen :) I was also gifted a vitamix!!! It came in the day before and I was so excited that I made salsa, hummus, and ice cream with it all in one day. Clearly the Susie homemaker in me came out full force, haha!

(*Right - the delicious pizza made by my wonderful loverboy. Below - my new vitamix!)

I feel like each year comes with certain
responsibilities and certain lessons to be learned. I was reluctant to leave 23 behind because it was such a dramatic year of challenges and experiences, but I know the year ahead of me is going to be incredibly fulfilling. After a few years of feeling like I was flailing for answers (there really should be post-collage classes on how to be an adult/ what to expect from life after collage) I feel like I'm on a path that is going towards what I really want and what I really need for myself. There are no questions about whether I'm making the right decisions, it's just a matter of when I make them. It's a really good feeling.

But back to what this blog is actually about! The past two days of yoga have been soooooo much fun! I've hit a place in my practice where I feel really comfortable, and it starts from a simple physical movement. Breathing. But not just breathing- really breathing. Breathing calmly, deeply- with patience and with trust. Breathing as if each bit of oxygen that's coming in is full of love and you want to soak up every tiny molecule, and breathing out to make space for all the relaxation and comfort you're striving for in your body. Since that blazing hot class last Friday I've truly discovered how to keep my mind and my breath calm, and to let the movements do all the work. I no longer feel as much struggle, and I really feel as though I'm moving through a meditation.

It's as if the past few years of my practice I've had a collar around my neck and my lungs, holding them in just slightly to the point where it's hard for me to breathe. I've never had an easy time breathing, even in gym classes in junior high and high school. Smoking for several years certainly didn't help, but after I quit three years ago it took a really long time to notice a difference.

These past few days though it's as if I've never taken in a full breath before, and I can keep it steady even when my heart is beating like crazy. It gives this automatic feeling of control and peace throughout the body, because the breath in my opinion is the strongest physical way to access your inner power. When you are breathing you're alive, and if you can breathe calmly under duress then you are proving your strength to yourself and building your power simultaneously. The yoga teachers say it all the time "breathe, just breathe, breathe calmly" but it's different when you hear it and you thinking you're doing it versus actually doing it and knowing you're doing it right.

As for my inversion practice- I didn't do much of it yesterday- I pretty much just played around on the roof! However, between my eka pada rajapotasana, chakrasana, and hollow back practice I really have been noticing an opening in my shoulders- and wow what a difference that makes!


New things are happening in my practice and it's so exciting!! I just keep hoping for each day to be a good day, going in with no expectations, and trying my best to be as open as I can, and not just in class. And on that note we'll see what today/tonight brings!