Every day that goes by I think about writing another blog post. I'm now in my third week of YTT and there have been such a vast array of things going through my head. Things about yoga and asana for sure, but also things about myself, my family, my relationships, experiences that I thought I understood before that I'm now interpreting in entirely new ways. It's mind boggling - like, if I were to describe what mind boggling feels like, this is DEFINITELY it.

 

It's not that my whole world is being flipped on it's head, because it isn't. A lot of what we're digging into in class is stuff that I have encountered before in some capacity, but we're going so much deeper into all of it. One of my fellow teachers in training described in the first week as "a breaking down to build back up," and I am totally feeling that this week.



Having the opportunity to take the vivid, exciting, and completely elevating information that I'm gathering in class right into my world each week is daunting. I am naturally finding myself questioning and observing and being aware of so many new things in my world. It's pretty exhausting. And to be honest right now…. I'm scared. I'm so in love with this whole process, and every time I'm in the space of the studio I'm excited and I feel safe, but when I step out of the studio I'm so scared. I'm scared of not retaining all of it, I'm scared of not being able to eventually teach to my full potential, I'm really scared to go through all of this and not come out on the other end more well-round, more knowledgable, more compassionate and understanding, and I'm super scared about how much I'm going to change from this. I wouldn't consider myself a person with an aversion to change, but you know when it's happening rapidly it's always hard, and it's always scary because it's the first time you're doing something completely new.


One thing I have to say I've been doing lately, that I think is one of the hardest things and is partly what's facilitating my nerves, is that I've been giving myself permission. In moments when I feel the voices creeping up in my head saying "you can't do that! you won't be able to do that! you're not good enough!" I clear them out as quick as I can, and I tell myself "you can. you always can. you may not right now if it's not you're time, but be receptive, be thoughtful, and it will come from your heart just right and at the right time." And this is for so many things. For things I want to say to people who are close to me, to asana's in my physical practice, to future goals I want to achieve - those voices come up, and I'm giving myself complete permission to shut them the fuck up.

But, you know, that means I put myself out there a bit more, which, of course, is terrifying. Seeing yourself in a completely honest way is something that is really really hard but I think should be done often - because we are constantly changing minute by minute, but also because it helps us confront exactly what needs to be taken care of at that moment, and it doesn't build and explode out of us later on. I guess the point I'm trying to make right now is that I feel like some stuff is pouring out of me from the past (particularly this week) and I'm doing my best to acknowledge it, and take care of it. Most of that time that means seeing it and letting it go immediately.

I think this post is becoming more of a free-for-all of a bunch of things floating around in my head, however, this week has been emotionally confusing for me and when that happens I usually have to spew out what I'm feeling in one way or another. It's a good thing I've got this blog…

To wrap this one up I'll just say that the Yoga Sutra's are something I think everyone should read at some point if they're interested in thinking about the universe in a very big, yet very personal way and they're looking to find the tools for inner stillness, Daring Greatly should be required reading - I couldn't have written any of this post had I not been in the middle of this book, and everyone should breathe from their diaphragm - let go of the sucking in! It'll expand your world- trust me.

Much love all <3


ps. I've been doing a lot of ig yoga lately, and the ones you see here are just some of my favorites :) and yes that's my boyfriends face in the last one.

It finally arrived today - the big day 30! The technical end to the challenge at Sacred! It has been a whirl wind of a 30 days that's for sure. I had no idea what to expect going in, but I feel like I've hit my all time yoga low and all time yoga high in this past month. I'm just glad I went in with the complete conviction that I was going to finish no matter what.

(*Right- snapshots of me either about to fall, falling, or having fallen. &don't worry mom, I'm never anywhere close to the edge of the roof!)


Yesterday might have been my toughest day, for many reasons. Emotionally I don't even think I was in my body, and mentally my thoughts were running nonstop all day. It was one of those days where I couldn't let go of my negativity- it just seethed through me and nothing made me feel good. I didn't want to go to class at all, and I seriously considered not going, but with two days left and having accomplished 28 days already, I knew it wasn't an option. So I draaaaaagged myself there, and I was practically in tears before the class even began. 

(*Left - my 30 inversions for my personal 30 day inversion challenge.  I'm so happy with how far my pincha has come!)

How do you let go during days like that? How do you put yourself aside and move just by the commands of an instructor? How do you focus on breathing when it feels like all of your thoughts have been strangling your brain all day? How do you give into release when all you've been trying to do for 24 hours is find control? At this point I'm not sure I could tell you the answer to any of these, because half way through class I gave up.


(*Right - close up 1 of 2 celebratory inversion poses from today. Getting more time in my handstands, perhaps next month will be a dedicated handstand challenge?)

You know, yoga is not something terribly serious. Class is not a life or death situation, and really, from an observers standpoint it just looks beautiful and peaceful. In action itappears to be rejuvenating, graceful, balanced, strong - exactly all the qualities it in turn gives you. But couldn't you say that about most things? Life included? Most of the time it looks rather easy from the outside, and when done with mindfulness, peacefulness, and openness it actually is pretty easy. But a lot of the time it's actually pretty tough, and when you start to notice all the things influencing and effecting a persons life you start to realize it's extremely complicated. 

On my best days I am what yoga gives me - peaceful, mindful, open, balanced. On my worst days I am fighting against what the world is pushing on me - which could be any combination of crazy things that you pull out of the air. And that fight either wins and I surrender into feeling awful about myself, or I win and get a little extra boost of strength that I can hold onto for the next rainy day. Yesterday I lost, and although I stayed through class and tried my best to finish out each pose, I felt defeated. It's a pretty lame feeling. (*Below- my celebratory pincha pose :)


But what I took from the class, which is a lesson that I've tried to learn over and over and over in a million different ways, is that I can not beat myself up about not being able to do something in the absolute best way I can. Yesterdays class only started getting too difficult when I started feeling like I was doing poorly and I started getting angry at myself for it. From that point it's just a vicious cycle of me getting more and more upset with myself and slowly starting to feel worse and worse. I need to know when to lighten up, and when it's okay for me to say "yeah I can sit this one out." No one except me expects anything from me, so it's okay for me to lower my expectations when it's just too much. But damn it's hard to remember in real time.

The funny thing is I must have needed to really get something out of my system, because today's class was one of the best of the whole 30 days. It was just pure fun, and I left feeling all the wonderful energy a great class fills me with. I'm sure it being my official final day helped a lot, but nothing of the tension that I had last night was with me. Isn't that interesting? The universe can one day feel like it's crashing on us, and the next it can feel like nothing could keep us down. Just goes to show that everything is impermanent, the good and the bad. All we can ask from ourselves is to soak in as much of the beauty and weightlessness from the good times, and to get through the heavy times with grace and with patience. Because it will all eventually pass.

So that's it! 30 days done, yoga blog done…. JUST KIDDING! Neither are done in my book. I'm going for the full 40 yoga days, if not more, and you can expect to see a whole lot more posting here for who knows how long. This yoga girl's journey is no where near the end, and as a matter of fact, this is only the beginning :) x

The awesome thing about this 30 day challenge is that I'm pushing myself to try out new classes and teachers that I haven't tried before. It's only been one week but I already feel like I've experienced a real variety of classes, which is so beneficial to not only my practice but also to my own gathering of teaching observations. Granted I'm only sticking to yoga- I could definitely also try any of the pilates, pole dancing, or other movement classes, but for now at least I feel like I'm getting a lot of education with just the yoga.
    















(*I didn't get a lot of pics, but here are a few early ones of my my man by the grill just before we really got it going, and some good friends having a good time.)

I think the Hot Fusion class is my new favorite class. It's just challenging enough without being too exhausting, and I leave feeling like I got just what I needed. That's exactly what yesterday's class was, and it was the perfect way to start the day before our long hot bbq park adventure (which was a blast!). Not to mention hot yoga is definitely the best way to prep for a blazing 90 something degree weather day like yesterday- I swear I can mentally manage the heat so much better.

Physically though, the heat might be getting to me. Today I'm feeling pretty damn tired, and I think between the long days in the sun this week and the early rising every morning I've gotten a little worn. So today I'm allowing myself to recuperate and relax alllll day - no pressure to do anything… except I still need to get my inversion in for the day! Yesterday at the park I tried practicing my handstands without a wall or a tree- I even got a few friends to try with me at the end of the day. I can't balance for too long, but I am definitely understanding more and more what areas need to be activated, how that feels, and how it all ties into balance. It's so fun- there's always something to learn in yoga.