It finally arrived today - the big day 30! The technical end to the challenge at Sacred! It has been a whirl wind of a 30 days that's for sure. I had no idea what to expect going in, but I feel like I've hit my all time yoga low and all time yoga high in this past month. I'm just glad I went in with the complete conviction that I was going to finish no matter what.

(*Right- snapshots of me either about to fall, falling, or having fallen. &don't worry mom, I'm never anywhere close to the edge of the roof!)


Yesterday might have been my toughest day, for many reasons. Emotionally I don't even think I was in my body, and mentally my thoughts were running nonstop all day. It was one of those days where I couldn't let go of my negativity- it just seethed through me and nothing made me feel good. I didn't want to go to class at all, and I seriously considered not going, but with two days left and having accomplished 28 days already, I knew it wasn't an option. So I draaaaaagged myself there, and I was practically in tears before the class even began. 

(*Left - my 30 inversions for my personal 30 day inversion challenge.  I'm so happy with how far my pincha has come!)

How do you let go during days like that? How do you put yourself aside and move just by the commands of an instructor? How do you focus on breathing when it feels like all of your thoughts have been strangling your brain all day? How do you give into release when all you've been trying to do for 24 hours is find control? At this point I'm not sure I could tell you the answer to any of these, because half way through class I gave up.


(*Right - close up 1 of 2 celebratory inversion poses from today. Getting more time in my handstands, perhaps next month will be a dedicated handstand challenge?)

You know, yoga is not something terribly serious. Class is not a life or death situation, and really, from an observers standpoint it just looks beautiful and peaceful. In action itappears to be rejuvenating, graceful, balanced, strong - exactly all the qualities it in turn gives you. But couldn't you say that about most things? Life included? Most of the time it looks rather easy from the outside, and when done with mindfulness, peacefulness, and openness it actually is pretty easy. But a lot of the time it's actually pretty tough, and when you start to notice all the things influencing and effecting a persons life you start to realize it's extremely complicated. 

On my best days I am what yoga gives me - peaceful, mindful, open, balanced. On my worst days I am fighting against what the world is pushing on me - which could be any combination of crazy things that you pull out of the air. And that fight either wins and I surrender into feeling awful about myself, or I win and get a little extra boost of strength that I can hold onto for the next rainy day. Yesterday I lost, and although I stayed through class and tried my best to finish out each pose, I felt defeated. It's a pretty lame feeling. (*Below- my celebratory pincha pose :)


But what I took from the class, which is a lesson that I've tried to learn over and over and over in a million different ways, is that I can not beat myself up about not being able to do something in the absolute best way I can. Yesterdays class only started getting too difficult when I started feeling like I was doing poorly and I started getting angry at myself for it. From that point it's just a vicious cycle of me getting more and more upset with myself and slowly starting to feel worse and worse. I need to know when to lighten up, and when it's okay for me to say "yeah I can sit this one out." No one except me expects anything from me, so it's okay for me to lower my expectations when it's just too much. But damn it's hard to remember in real time.

The funny thing is I must have needed to really get something out of my system, because today's class was one of the best of the whole 30 days. It was just pure fun, and I left feeling all the wonderful energy a great class fills me with. I'm sure it being my official final day helped a lot, but nothing of the tension that I had last night was with me. Isn't that interesting? The universe can one day feel like it's crashing on us, and the next it can feel like nothing could keep us down. Just goes to show that everything is impermanent, the good and the bad. All we can ask from ourselves is to soak in as much of the beauty and weightlessness from the good times, and to get through the heavy times with grace and with patience. Because it will all eventually pass.

So that's it! 30 days done, yoga blog done…. JUST KIDDING! Neither are done in my book. I'm going for the full 40 yoga days, if not more, and you can expect to see a whole lot more posting here for who knows how long. This yoga girl's journey is no where near the end, and as a matter of fact, this is only the beginning :) x

Although I haven't been on top of blogging, I have still be active in my yoga progress these past few days! I feel like I've been procrastinating on my homework- even though this is far more fun than typical "homework". This weekend was just one thing after another, starting with birthday celebrations all day Saturday, and I have just had a hard time fitting in all my dedications!

(*Right - the birthday-party-day breakfast made by Jon <3 black bean gumbo with hunks of avocado, avocado toast, peppered tomatoes, french toast, and grapefruit mimosas)

It has been an incredible 4 days though, with a whirl wind of emotions. This weekends practice brought up a whole bunch of feelings, and I felt pretty weakened by most of them. It wasn't so much that particular memories or experiences came back to me, but a feeling of hopelessness came over me whenever I had an extra moment to myself. I think the verdict of the Treyvon Martin case didn't help that as well. However I couldn't mentally articulate what exactly it was that was making me feel less than usual self, it was just a feeling.

(*Left - the ceiling of Bareburger- where a bunch of friends and I had my birthday dinner Saturday night)

Sunday night's class changed all of that though. I ended up taking a class I had never taken before with the owner of Sacred, who I know but I have also never taken a class by. The only thing I knew was that it was a heated hour and a half and that there would be few words and mostly music. She began by saying the theme for the class was healing, and that the soundtrack she chose was geared towards finding a healing inner power within us. We were encouraged to sing with the songs as well :)

(*Below - the delicious smelling honeysuckle of Hattie Carthan Community Garden - the garden we will now be getting a weekly produce basket from every Saturday)
The intention spoke very strongly to me, because it was EXACTLY what I needed. Instead of letting any negative thoughts of how weak or tired or frustrated or sad I had been feeling during the weekend come up, I focused on finding the strength from each movement to heal whatever it was that was hurt. I wasn't mental, it was just a feeling. And it was the entire bikram flow that I know so well from the beginning of my practice years ago. The whole class ended up being a reminder of why I began practicing yoga and why I continue to do so.

(*Below - a chilled beet, avocado, cashew cream soup with peppermint I made for dinner. It's been so hot here only cold food sounds appetizing. The beets and peppermint were both from our local produce basket <3)


Yoga is not about being flexible, it's not about being able to do all the poses in every class, and it's not even about being physically strong. It's about meeting yourself where you're at, and encouraging yourself to find the strength to be your best self and continuing to do better. It's about recognizing where you've been hurt (whether by yourself or by someone else), forgiving that person, and allowing yourself to heal- to really heal. And it's about feeling the connection between your choices, your environment, and everything within and around you and knowing that the beginning of you making a difference starts with you loving yourself and being true to your self, because everything you do and feel is connected to the world around you.



(*Right - saw a good friend from high school on Sunday. We spent several hours catching up at Mud coffee. I forget sometimes how wonderful it is to talk to someone from your hometown.)

It was a beautiful class, and I even ended up singing a little bit (very softly), and since then I've felt all the strength come back to me. The past two classes this week have been a blast, tough as usual, but the challenge is so welcome because I know it's for my improvement. And I'm already over half way done :)

Needless to say my inversion practice has also been suffering from all this running around. Not to mention this heat is definitely keeping me off my roof and just in front of my fan. But here's Monday's bandha + hollow back focused handstand.

This is a rush post, so I apologize if it's sloppy and not as well written as it could be, but I wanted to get some of my thoughts down before too many more days passed! And as proof of my busy-ness here are a bunch of pictures from the last four days. Hopefully I'll be posting again tomorrow! x

Yesterday I turned 24 :) It was a wonderfully lazy and relaxed day, filled with so much love and I felt so lucky and blessed all day.
(*Right - my goofy birthday face. I was so happy all day!)


Jon also made a delicious black bean taco pizza for dinner which was super yummy- it was a crust from scratch, black bean base, then my homemade nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato, homemade salsa and crispy tortilla shreds sprinkled on top. I am so grateful to have a boyfriend who's so good in the kitchen :) I was also gifted a vitamix!!! It came in the day before and I was so excited that I made salsa, hummus, and ice cream with it all in one day. Clearly the Susie homemaker in me came out full force, haha!

(*Right - the delicious pizza made by my wonderful loverboy. Below - my new vitamix!)

I feel like each year comes with certain
responsibilities and certain lessons to be learned. I was reluctant to leave 23 behind because it was such a dramatic year of challenges and experiences, but I know the year ahead of me is going to be incredibly fulfilling. After a few years of feeling like I was flailing for answers (there really should be post-collage classes on how to be an adult/ what to expect from life after collage) I feel like I'm on a path that is going towards what I really want and what I really need for myself. There are no questions about whether I'm making the right decisions, it's just a matter of when I make them. It's a really good feeling.

But back to what this blog is actually about! The past two days of yoga have been soooooo much fun! I've hit a place in my practice where I feel really comfortable, and it starts from a simple physical movement. Breathing. But not just breathing- really breathing. Breathing calmly, deeply- with patience and with trust. Breathing as if each bit of oxygen that's coming in is full of love and you want to soak up every tiny molecule, and breathing out to make space for all the relaxation and comfort you're striving for in your body. Since that blazing hot class last Friday I've truly discovered how to keep my mind and my breath calm, and to let the movements do all the work. I no longer feel as much struggle, and I really feel as though I'm moving through a meditation.

It's as if the past few years of my practice I've had a collar around my neck and my lungs, holding them in just slightly to the point where it's hard for me to breathe. I've never had an easy time breathing, even in gym classes in junior high and high school. Smoking for several years certainly didn't help, but after I quit three years ago it took a really long time to notice a difference.

These past few days though it's as if I've never taken in a full breath before, and I can keep it steady even when my heart is beating like crazy. It gives this automatic feeling of control and peace throughout the body, because the breath in my opinion is the strongest physical way to access your inner power. When you are breathing you're alive, and if you can breathe calmly under duress then you are proving your strength to yourself and building your power simultaneously. The yoga teachers say it all the time "breathe, just breathe, breathe calmly" but it's different when you hear it and you thinking you're doing it versus actually doing it and knowing you're doing it right.

As for my inversion practice- I didn't do much of it yesterday- I pretty much just played around on the roof! However, between my eka pada rajapotasana, chakrasana, and hollow back practice I really have been noticing an opening in my shoulders- and wow what a difference that makes!


New things are happening in my practice and it's so exciting!! I just keep hoping for each day to be a good day, going in with no expectations, and trying my best to be as open as I can, and not just in class. And on that note we'll see what today/tonight brings!