What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of new situations? Falling? Heights? Walking home in the dark? Someone you love dying? Are you afraid of losing your health? Losing a friend? Losing your phone? What about spiders? Cockroaches? Maybe snakes? Are you afraid of hurting yourself? What about hurting yourself emotionally? Are you afraid of not getting what you want? Not succeeding? Not thriving?

I'm personally afraid of a lot of things- rational and irrational. There are times when I think I give into my fears a little too easily, I don't even try to get over them. With spiders, I just ask my boyfriend to take care of it, no question. But with bigger situations that are more socially or emotionally based, I give into them with negative self talk, by backing away from a precarious situation, pulling into my little shell and cowering from whatever it is that is making me uncomfortable.

Sometimes that fear has nothing to do with something treacherous at all. Sometimes it's meeting someone new, one on one. Sometimes it's being honest and not knowing the reaction I'm going to get. Sometimes it's just being myself. Some days I'm just too tired to be courageous- I'm too weak in my spirit. It's those days that I've come to realize are indicators that I have not been doing my part to keep myself strong. I have not been giving myself the time, the self care I require, and as a consequence I lack confidence.

One thing I've learned is that to build courage takes practice. It doesn't happen over night. Negativity towards oneself and giving into fear is something that we can do daily and far too easily. Positivity and bravery are also things we can do daily, but they can seem much much harder. And how do we get over being scared? I for one will stop, take a deep breath, let it out, and soften into myself. Giving myself that moment is the first and most important thing I can do to remind myself that I am here- I am with myself, and I am here for myself.

It's like any relationship. If you were to treat yourself like a good friend, like a best friend, what kind of affection and honesty would you give yourself? What kind of jokes would you tell yourself if you were feeling poorly? What kind of motivational words would you give yourself, because if you know that if you were talking to your best friend you would want them to deeply feel and hold onto the confidence to succeed in whatever task, large or small, they were pursuing.

This week starts my yoga teacher training, and although I am excessively excited, today I think is the first day I'm actually pretty nervous. I'm not feeling very well, and I haven't practiced in a hot room in almost a month. With all the traveling and moving around I've been doing, I've skipped out on a lot of personal one-on-one time with just me. It's amazing how just a few weeks without concentrated practice can effect a person.

Which is what made me start thinking about this post. In the time that I haven't been giving myself time, I've notice a dwindling in my courage. The negative self talk comes up and it's harder for me to hit down. The little fears appear and instead of facing them, I tuck myself inside my shell and either wait for them to go away, or I simply walk away. These are in no way actions of bravery, these are moment of giving into my vulnerabilities.

But this is my breaking point. This post is my declaration of a new beginning. This new journey of TT is on my horizon and not surprisingly the theme of the course is courage. I have signed myself up for the class of fear facing! So now it's coming time to really ask myself, what am I afraid of? And most importantly how do I plan on overcoming those fears? And today begins the first day of me turning my course, turning back towards what I'm afraid of and learning to know it, understand it, overcome it. One of my big fears is putting myself out there, honestly and openly, so I plan on doing a lot of sharing on this blog about my journey.

I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm so in need of yoga. I'm nervous about the challenges, I'm scared of what I might have to let go of in myself. I'm definitely afraid of not doing my best, but I'm so excited for all the growth that's ahead. The best thing about facing your fears, facing the bad stuff, facing the uncomfortable parts of you, your life, the people and things around you, is that once you do there is nothing that can take back those moments of courage. And that courage becomes a part of you.

So let's do this!!

I flew out to San Diego a week ago tomorrow, and on the plane ride over I took some time to write the post below. Although I've thought about posting this every day since I landed I haven't, simply because I'm in California, one of my best friends was in town, I've been catching up with old faces, and I'm soaking in as much salty air and sunshine as possible. However, I've finally forced a little discipline on myself to organize this small entry- so below are some thoughts I had almost a week ago, and some.. well actually lots of pictures from the past two weeks :) I hope you enjoy xo

(*some brooklyn fun before the flight out west)
I'm currently on a plane flying out to San Diego. Although my usual reaction to flying is excitement, the closer the day of the flight comes the more I start to get really superstitious. Everything is a sign that this is it, something is going to go wrong, and it's my turn and everyone else on the plane's turn… to die. It happens every time. I eventually end up getting on the plane regardless, and once in the air I'm usually more excited about how incredible everything looks from the height (not to mention the clouds!!) than anything else. I resign myself to the fact that, if this actually were my time, that's exactly what it would be- my time, and I'd have to accept that because what other choice to I have?

(*pre-plane stretching - so important!)

I feel like a lot of things in life are like that- we don't have control over nearly 1% of our lives really. From the food that's put in front of us at the grocery stores, the quality of the air in neighborhoods we live, even what we'll encounter once we step out of our doors- all of those things have already been determining themselves. The food has already been picked by the farmers and been transported by the pilots and/or the truck drivers, the people in our cities have already been driving and the planes have already been flying, seeping their exhaust into the air while the trees and plants keep trying to soak it up, and we all have our own agendas which usually lead us to come into contact with everyone else that stepped out their own front doors. All of these things and millions of other little decisions and actions are happening and occurring throughout the world and the universe all the time, and to think we have any control over any of it is incredibly arrogant. We each have an effect on the ongoings of the world, and thus our decision making (each and every decision) is incredibly important and symbolic, but our level of control externally is minimal.

(*when cec was in town we made sure to go to the beach every single day)

Which leads me to my thoughts on self control. The one arena we each have the opportunity to hold complete power is our own selves. Our minds, our bodies- our thoughts, words, actions, beliefs, attitudes are all things we have 100% control over. Most of the time I'm not sure most people realize the immensity of this power we are capable of having. Most of the time we're all too busy and too distracted trying to control the impermanence around us to even recognize the sheer wonder of our own bodies and capability of our characters.

The movie for the flight was 42 - the movie about Jackie Robinson's first few years in the major leagues. What a story. He is a man who is an incredible representation of what inner power and strength of self can prove. The sheer stamina let alone grace, patience, and determination came all from within him, despite the excessive and ignorant opposition he faced.

(*california yoga <3)
While watching the movie I felt incredibly humbled and inspired by how strong of a character he had. And I just kept thinking- we are all capable of that kind of strength. Every single one of us. It's just allowing ourselves the opportunity. Clearly we won't all find it through baseball (some of us will find it through yoga ;) but the natural ebb and flow of life forces challenges on us whether we like it or not, and those are truly our opportunities to look within ourselves to see just how strong we can be. The external world wants to hand us challenges, and we all go through different ones that become unique to each of our lives. And that's exactly what they are- they are the bumps in our journeys.

I was thinking earlier about how much I've learned in the past few years. About how much I've changed and how much stronger I've become because of certain experiences I found my way into years ago. And I realized that all of the people who I have for so long considered to be the negative people that were the source of a lot of my pain, self doubt, self loathing, and personal confusion were also the source of my positive change. Had I never met those people and made those unhealthy decisions for myself, I never would have stumbled, fallen, learned to pick myself up, and then kept walking. I would have never found the strength in myself to choose differently and move away from those people because I knew I was worth more. I would have never started my journey of proving to myself that I feel that I'm worth more. So really, all of those people helped me and guided me. Not in the most nurturing ways, sure, but where would I be without them?

(*moments...)


The challenges we encounter are not there to beat us down, or destroy our spirits. They may do that for a period of time, but that's just what it is - a period of time. Because what they're really there for is proving to us that we are all capable of finding strength from the obstacles. They're there for us to be reminded of how strong we are. Because we are. Just think about the human body and how much it can physically endure, right? Well our spirits, our characters, our selves (as much as it seems the world at times is telling us the opposite) are just as strong- if not stronger. Because sometimes just will power can make the body do seemingly super human things.

So I'm still on this plane, and I'm not scared, because if it goes down I'm ok knowing that it was just my time. My family, my friends and my boyfriend all know how much I love them, and that's what matters to me. And at the very least I've learned, and hopefully helped other's learn, a few awesome things about life. And I feel really good knowing that although I am still really scared to be strong, and really scared of finding myself, and really scared of being myself and being strong in a world where so many people are so judgmental and critical (mostly out of fear and fear of facing themselves I know!) I'm still really glad that I'm trying and I've given myself the opportunity to try.

(*more california yoga <3)
Finding inner strength is not easy, and like everything else it takes practice and many reminders. So this post has become one of my many official reminders. BE STRONG. You'll end up hitting home runs like Jackie Robinson.

I've been wanting to write this post for days. I keep thinking about it, wanting to write it, and then getting caught up in something else- whether it be cooking, working, cleaning, anything- and it needs to be written! I feel like I'm at this really exciting mid-point in my practice where I can reflect on all the challenges I've encountered, and the distance I've covered just before I hit a major lift off point (aka teacher training!) which I know will be an incredible journey all in itself. But I want to take this time before training kicks in to really talk about progress, because it's taken me a long time to understand what progress really feels like, looks like- what it really means.

(*All photos go from left to right in progression- the earliest start in March 2013, the most recent are from today or yesterday)

It wasn't until a point a couple years ago did I start really understanding the importance of time with regards to progress. To be honest I think it really hit me when I decided (after shaving all my hair off) that I wanted my hair to grow out really long. It took years for it to grow out even to the length it was before I cut it all off, and during those years I would continually look in the mirror, pull on my hair, and think "just grow fasterrrr!" But of course it didn't. My hair took it's precious time growing out, torturing me through its phases along the way.

When I started up my yoga practice full force after a few years of it being off and on I made this decision to find a strength in my practice that I hadn't found before. I wanted to transform my body out of the stagnant shape that it had been in for so long, and release a lot of what was being held in me. I knew at the time about the scar tissue in my hips, I knew about how energy stores itself in pockets of the body, and I knew that unless I found a pattern of physical activity in my youth I might not find it later in my life (which I also knew is extremely important for mental and physical longevity). I was feeling weak in my body and in my spirit, and I knew that a consistent yoga practice would help to alleviate those dispositions.

So I jumped back into it. And I quickly learned that my body, just like my hair, requires its own time to strengthen and grow. I had to accept that nothing I could do would help my hair grow faster- it would have to grow in it's own time, and I inevitably had to accept this for my body as well.

Progress is not an instantaneous thing. Nor is it something that requires years and years (unless we really believe it needs to, or we're counteracting our own growth simultaneously). It is something that takes a little at a time, otherwise how would we be able to digest all the change all at once? Granted sometimes life will throw us curve balls and we'll have to adjust quickly and appropriately, but most of the time, for our own personal growth, we can only ask of ourselves to do a little more than we think we can each day.

The beautiful thing about yoga is that if you can't physically do something or go to a depth you want to go to that day, your body will make it VERY clear that it's not an option that day, and you become forced to accept that. The extremely important thing to take away from days like that, however, is not disappointment, or frustration, or excuses, but rather faith in oneself. Because even though we may not be able to do something one day doesn't mean we won't be able to do it the next day, or the next week/month/year as long as we have faith in ourselves ad our natural capacity for change.

In Anatomy of the Spirit there is a line that says: "Belief in oneself is required for healing." Belief is faith, and without faith in oneself we will be completely unable to overcome any obstacle in our way, whether we put it there for ourselves or not. Healthy progress, mentally and physically, requires a natural ease from one point to the next- no short cuts allowed. But the beautiful thing is that with all the time and energy we use comes an incredible satisfaction and fulfillment, because the results surprise us and excite us, and we begin to learn that it's not just the results that we're working for, it's the work itself.

When I was once in a really low place, where I was lost in my process and I didn't know if I could get to the other side, a person, not even that close to me, who I admired and looked up to sent me a message that contained, "Hold on tight. It's going to be okay. Live the question, ride the process, find solace in the unknown." And those words helped me more than I think this person realized. Because that's what matters- it's not the goal, it's the challenge. If we look only at the goal so far off in the distance it will seem impossible to get to that point, and we will likely lose our faith in ourselves, but if we look just a few steps ahead of ourselves, and work forward towards just those few steps, before we know it the goal is right in front of us. And we'll realize all those steps we took to get there were the guidance we needed to overcome our obstacle.

When I was ruminating about this subject of progress, a clip from one of my all time favorite movies popped into my head. Progress is not something that can ever be achieved alone, and more people than we realize contribute to our individual progress daily. Travis Birkenstock from Clueless describes it almost perfectly when giving this acceptance speech for accumulating the most tardies in his class. Just imagine him saying "progress" instead of "tardiness" and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about :)



And on that note- don't ever give up on yourself. Because if you keep working a little bit day by day towards what you're trying to achieve, eventually you'll get there, and you'll realize every step of your journey was a piece in the puzzle of that achievement. So enjoy the ride. x

I want to dedicate this post strictly to talking about body image. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm not sure how or why it came up, but discussing my feelings about it with regards to yoga seems appropriate.

I never had confidence in my body when I was younger. I was ridiculously tall when I was in elementary school, and too thick (the girls were so thin in junior high), and I just felt plain awkward in my skin. There was no connection between what I felt in my body to what I thought in my head, and I felt incredibly disconnected because of it. The disdain I felt for what I looked like developed into a fear of what I looked like, making me extremely self conscious. When I decided to finally try out for a sport, I would crush myself under the pressure because I was always thinking about "what I looked like" whenever I did anything - including hitting the softball. So needless to say, I stayed away from sports or anything too physical.

What I thought was my appearance was very far removed from what I actually looked like, and when I did finally look in the mirror with objective eyes in my teenage years it was really hard for me to accept what I saw. There was nothing disfigured about me, there was nothing ugly about me, and now when I look back I realize I was completely normal. But I never felt normal, I felt ugly, and that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I realize this is a feeling tons and tons of people of both genders feel. We are all pressured to look and appear and preform to level that society places on us, and we all pick up that pressure at one point or another in our lives. Some of us are better at shaking it than others, and I happen to be one of the people who had a much harder time. It can be so painful for those it really effects because it becomes subconsciously saturated into all of our decisions, reactions, and interactions, and over time it's increasingly difficult to let go.

My negative self image continued all the way through college. As I did in high school, I sought approval through what I wore, how I did my make up and hair, trying to mask the discomfort of everything underneath. But nothing anyone ever said really made me feel better, and no compliments were ever really accepted because I didn't believe them. It continued to eat at me, and I made really poor choices out of the bitterness I felt toward my body. Even after I started my yoga practice I still continued to feel this way.


Only recently did I start feeling sincere love towards my body. It took years of wanting to change, years of wanting to accept myself for just how I was, and finally months of very consistent yoga practice and dedication towards making choices that were good for my body for me to start to feel comfortable in this home of mine. I still struggle with it, but not nearly in the same way as I did before. It took me waking up to the fact that I had to take action, literal and consistent action, because nothing connects you more to your own body than physical exercise.

Yoga practice is a practice of connecting to the energy that moves throughout your body, and no area is seen as more or less advantaged. Each part is as valuable as the next - the toes, the thighs, the abdomen, the skin, the joints, the tendons, the eyes, the tongue, the heart, all of it- and as you begin to feel the importance and interdependence of each part, you begin to enjoy and appreciate each part for exactly what it is and what it gives you.

I have grown to sincerely love my body because I now feel and seek the feelings my body provides for me. When my body is happy, my mind is happy, and there is no way I would have felt this way had I stayed as disconnected as I had been.

I know now that people make such poor decisions for themselves because they don't hear what their body is telling them. I know the reason why people seek bad habits and thoughtless consumption (of all things, not just food) is because they're trying to seek a fulfillment of something that seems to constantly evade them. But that fulfillment is right inside of you, it's RIGHT THERE, it's so close you can't even touch it but you can feel it so deep within you if you find it. And when you find it you know and trust that it has and will always be there. Finding it and holding onto it takes a lot of work, but all great things do. And although the search and discovery is different for everyone, I am convinced that if a person has a negative self image that their search must start with a surrender to the body, exactly how it is.

If there could be any advice that I give to anyone out there who suffers from a negative self image it would be to take time every single day to be in your body and not in your head. To sit and feel all of the things that are moving through you- all of the energy because there is a lot of it, and it's constantly moving and evolving within you. Notice the tension in any little area, whether it be in your jaw, your toes, your neck, your spine, your forehead, anywhere, and relax it. Notice if you feel good in your skin, and if you don't, ask yourself why. And if negative thoughts come up, let them come up, but make sure to let them go and replace them with positive thoughts. That may be the hardest part, because having a loving self image starts by first showing yourself love, and it can be soooo much harder to sincerely give yourself loving thoughts than it seems.

Be with yourself. Remember that this is your home, and just like any standing structure that you live in you have to do your part to organize it, clean it, and keep it up so that it doesn't collapse but can keep you comfortable for as long as you need it to. Be good to yourself, because your body wants you to, it always wants you to.

And always remember that the beauty of you is that you are changing every single second of every single day, and if you sincerely want to change and become more of who you want to be, all it takes is making that dedicated choice to becoming better little by little.

And yoga is always an option :) haha! But seriously- it changed my life, it could change yours too. Even just a few months ago I could have never thought to put a blog post out in the world like this. But today I think I'm pretty okay with it. x

Quick Edit: I realized I have a lot more to say on this subject, so this post may be a part one!

It finally arrived today - the big day 30! The technical end to the challenge at Sacred! It has been a whirl wind of a 30 days that's for sure. I had no idea what to expect going in, but I feel like I've hit my all time yoga low and all time yoga high in this past month. I'm just glad I went in with the complete conviction that I was going to finish no matter what.

(*Right- snapshots of me either about to fall, falling, or having fallen. &don't worry mom, I'm never anywhere close to the edge of the roof!)


Yesterday might have been my toughest day, for many reasons. Emotionally I don't even think I was in my body, and mentally my thoughts were running nonstop all day. It was one of those days where I couldn't let go of my negativity- it just seethed through me and nothing made me feel good. I didn't want to go to class at all, and I seriously considered not going, but with two days left and having accomplished 28 days already, I knew it wasn't an option. So I draaaaaagged myself there, and I was practically in tears before the class even began. 

(*Left - my 30 inversions for my personal 30 day inversion challenge.  I'm so happy with how far my pincha has come!)

How do you let go during days like that? How do you put yourself aside and move just by the commands of an instructor? How do you focus on breathing when it feels like all of your thoughts have been strangling your brain all day? How do you give into release when all you've been trying to do for 24 hours is find control? At this point I'm not sure I could tell you the answer to any of these, because half way through class I gave up.


(*Right - close up 1 of 2 celebratory inversion poses from today. Getting more time in my handstands, perhaps next month will be a dedicated handstand challenge?)

You know, yoga is not something terribly serious. Class is not a life or death situation, and really, from an observers standpoint it just looks beautiful and peaceful. In action itappears to be rejuvenating, graceful, balanced, strong - exactly all the qualities it in turn gives you. But couldn't you say that about most things? Life included? Most of the time it looks rather easy from the outside, and when done with mindfulness, peacefulness, and openness it actually is pretty easy. But a lot of the time it's actually pretty tough, and when you start to notice all the things influencing and effecting a persons life you start to realize it's extremely complicated. 

On my best days I am what yoga gives me - peaceful, mindful, open, balanced. On my worst days I am fighting against what the world is pushing on me - which could be any combination of crazy things that you pull out of the air. And that fight either wins and I surrender into feeling awful about myself, or I win and get a little extra boost of strength that I can hold onto for the next rainy day. Yesterday I lost, and although I stayed through class and tried my best to finish out each pose, I felt defeated. It's a pretty lame feeling. (*Below- my celebratory pincha pose :)


But what I took from the class, which is a lesson that I've tried to learn over and over and over in a million different ways, is that I can not beat myself up about not being able to do something in the absolute best way I can. Yesterdays class only started getting too difficult when I started feeling like I was doing poorly and I started getting angry at myself for it. From that point it's just a vicious cycle of me getting more and more upset with myself and slowly starting to feel worse and worse. I need to know when to lighten up, and when it's okay for me to say "yeah I can sit this one out." No one except me expects anything from me, so it's okay for me to lower my expectations when it's just too much. But damn it's hard to remember in real time.

The funny thing is I must have needed to really get something out of my system, because today's class was one of the best of the whole 30 days. It was just pure fun, and I left feeling all the wonderful energy a great class fills me with. I'm sure it being my official final day helped a lot, but nothing of the tension that I had last night was with me. Isn't that interesting? The universe can one day feel like it's crashing on us, and the next it can feel like nothing could keep us down. Just goes to show that everything is impermanent, the good and the bad. All we can ask from ourselves is to soak in as much of the beauty and weightlessness from the good times, and to get through the heavy times with grace and with patience. Because it will all eventually pass.

So that's it! 30 days done, yoga blog done…. JUST KIDDING! Neither are done in my book. I'm going for the full 40 yoga days, if not more, and you can expect to see a whole lot more posting here for who knows how long. This yoga girl's journey is no where near the end, and as a matter of fact, this is only the beginning :) x

Another weekend past and another 4 days I've been too busy to blog! Oh well, I'm getting used to the three-entries-a-week routine. It's nice to recap several days of yoga versus every single day.

Days 19-22 taught me a few very interesting things about myself. I'm a worker, by blood, by habit, by everything and when I work I expect to see results and progress. I don't like to "move backward" because I feel like I'm losing valuable time that I could be using to keep growing.


(*Left - my best hollow back handstand to date! Below - a few bloopers. I tried to practice my pincha but it was so windy, no matter where I was on my roof!)

I know that sometimes in order to move forward in the best way we have to take a couple steps back because we may have started walking down the wrong path, or not the best path to get to where we want to go. But I have the hardest time remembering this in real life. I become extremely stubborn and I want to be able to perform at the level I've proven I can perform.

A couple months ago I over extended my upper hamstring right where it meets the back of my hip. It's not a serious injury, but it hurt (still does sometimes) if I sat for too long, or to stretch my hamstrings too deeply. I did a bunch of research and since hamstrings take so long to heal it could take months for this injury to feel completely normal again. The only thing I can do is take it easy. Which I did for a month, and when it started feeling a little better, of course I started stretching it the way I used to. Last Friday it hit me really hard that this injury was nowhere near healed and in fact I might have recently inflamed it more. I became extremely irritated by this, feeling like I couldn't practice fully and I wasn't receiving all the benefits I could be getting.

(*Right - our weekly produce from the community garden! With the mushrooms and the green beans I made a raw green bean casserole which ended up being more like a green bean salad with marinaded beans, mushroom sauce, dehydrated caramelized onions, and chopped almonds.)

Which is not the truth at all. I let this very impermanent injury get into my mind and control my thoughts to the point where I wasn't able to relax into meditation, which I could have done had I just accepted that I needed to back off. Instead of seeing it as an annoyance it is rather an opportunity not only to concentrate on other parts of the postures that need strengthening (and not put all the reliance into my legs!) but to also relax into the acceptance and know that this will all pass. My body will heal, and I will be completely fine through the healing process.

My body and my mind have clearly proven to me that they've been fighting for a while, and this challenge is helping to work out their issues and make them friends again. When my body speaks, I NEED to listen. It's imperative that I listen, because without it … well we all know where I'd be without it. And when my mind speaks I need to listen to it, but with awareness, because sometimes it's speaks out of an immediate defensive reaction versus a conscious, gut-reaction.

(*Right - just before my first pole dancing class which was a blast! Showin off my gunsss...)

So in conclusion, my goal this week is to try to see things differently. To not start with my mind and my developed opinions and judgements, but to try to come into each situation with completely open senses. To listen to all the signals my body is telling me and develop my opinions from those signals. If that means stepping back and having to start over for some things (whether physical or mental) then so be it. It's about conscious growth, not brute force.





Also, one last side note, something I researched recently was the time it takes to break a habit. Many studies say it takes 40 days to break a habit, 90 days to develop a new habit, 120 days to become the habit, and 1000 days to master the habit. I might be extending my 30 day challenge…

Okay so I'm not usually a complainer. As a matter of fact complaining is one of my major pet peeves, and my mentality towards complaining is usually if it bugs you then it's really going to bug the person you're complaining to, so just don't complain. I understand venting, getting things off your chest, working things out vocally, needing validation by having someone listen, but just straight up whining gets me.

(*Left - Jon took me out to Quintessence, a raw &vegan 
restaurant in the East Village, for my official birthday 
dinner on Tuesday night. We started with spicy cashew 
cream hand rolls then I got the Mexican platter, and he 
got the portabello burger. All incredible.)

That being said, it's been hot as hell this week, and a bunch of little things are really starting to ruffle my feathers. The heat definitely adds an extra layer of toughness to everything it seems. It's frustrating because I know that I'm just being obnoxious when I complain (my poooorrr boyfriend) but between hot yoga and the hot new york heat, the closest thing I have to a break during the week is the ice cold shower I take after class. So, in an attempt to get it all off my chest, I'm going to have a little bitch sesh about the things that have been bugging me in my yoga practice. I'm hoping that 1. it will help me let go of my slight irritations 2. it will help me to NOT complain about something I love soooo much and really is no cause for complaint… EVER. I'm bringing in a few pictures that are completely unrelated, but are the positive to balance out my whiny negative. So here we go.

1. Hot yoga really messes with my eating habits. If I go in the morning, I won't eat before class, but if I go at night I have to be super careful about what I eat during the day. I have a very sensitive stomach- something that runs in my family- and I would rather not have to leave the room to throw up or feel really uncomfortable while trying to meditate in motion. However, that means I'm usually starving until I get to the studio, and after class when you'd think I'd still be hungry I've suddenly lost my appetite! It really get's my goat because I want to eat, we all know how much I love to eat, but the exercise has got my metabolism going and eating is the last thing my body wants! It's a mental conflict more than anything.

(*Right - on the way back from dinner we found a turtle upside down on the sidewalk. Of course we had to take him in and claim him as ours. His name is Spike <3)


(*Left - kept the raw kick kicking [its the only food that makes sense in this oven of a city!] with an almond chia cream + date cashew walnut crumble + fruit bowl the next morning. Really loving my vitamix!!)

2. After class (especially these days) I won't stop sweating for a good hour. I know this is a good thing- my body is detoxifying, cleansing, getting all the old stuff out. But when I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to work, after having taken a shower, and I'm still dripping like I was in the studio I get a little peeved.

3. I really drives me bonkers when my body won't perform the way I want it to. This means in simple movements such as stepping through to lunge (I still can't get that down!) or when we're curled up in a ball on the floor (I can't pull my knees to my chest because of the tension in my hips), or when emotional stuff comes up in class (lately it's been constant for camel… ugh) and it effects the rest of my practice. These things get me started on this cycle of self criticism that sometimes won't stop until well after class. It would be much better for me to just meet myself where I'm at and work to let it go, but doing that is so much harder when my body temperature feels like it's at boiling all class and all day!

(*Right - still working on my inversion practice when it's not scorching. Practiced a little core strengthening and bandha activation in my supported and not supported headstand on Tuesday.)

4. I'm not super fond of how often I have to shampoo my hair- my hair is getting pretty dry and I have to use extra conditioner. But that could also just be the fact that it's been upwards of 95 degrees all week.

5. I really don't like slipping on my mat.

6. I really don't like how often I have to do laundry.

7. I really wish I had a bottle of water that would constantly refill itself on it's own, constantly.

And I really think that's it. I completely understand if no one reads this post because really, who wants to read about someone's yoga irritations? Not very many people I'm guessing.

But I do think this has helped, and hopefully when I wake up bright and early tomorrow, head to the studio without eating, sweat all over my mat, slip around a bit, maybe step through to a lunge a couple times, and inevitably drink all the water in my bottle, I'll be very okay with all of it. <3

Although I haven't been on top of blogging, I have still be active in my yoga progress these past few days! I feel like I've been procrastinating on my homework- even though this is far more fun than typical "homework". This weekend was just one thing after another, starting with birthday celebrations all day Saturday, and I have just had a hard time fitting in all my dedications!

(*Right - the birthday-party-day breakfast made by Jon <3 black bean gumbo with hunks of avocado, avocado toast, peppered tomatoes, french toast, and grapefruit mimosas)

It has been an incredible 4 days though, with a whirl wind of emotions. This weekends practice brought up a whole bunch of feelings, and I felt pretty weakened by most of them. It wasn't so much that particular memories or experiences came back to me, but a feeling of hopelessness came over me whenever I had an extra moment to myself. I think the verdict of the Treyvon Martin case didn't help that as well. However I couldn't mentally articulate what exactly it was that was making me feel less than usual self, it was just a feeling.

(*Left - the ceiling of Bareburger- where a bunch of friends and I had my birthday dinner Saturday night)

Sunday night's class changed all of that though. I ended up taking a class I had never taken before with the owner of Sacred, who I know but I have also never taken a class by. The only thing I knew was that it was a heated hour and a half and that there would be few words and mostly music. She began by saying the theme for the class was healing, and that the soundtrack she chose was geared towards finding a healing inner power within us. We were encouraged to sing with the songs as well :)

(*Below - the delicious smelling honeysuckle of Hattie Carthan Community Garden - the garden we will now be getting a weekly produce basket from every Saturday)
The intention spoke very strongly to me, because it was EXACTLY what I needed. Instead of letting any negative thoughts of how weak or tired or frustrated or sad I had been feeling during the weekend come up, I focused on finding the strength from each movement to heal whatever it was that was hurt. I wasn't mental, it was just a feeling. And it was the entire bikram flow that I know so well from the beginning of my practice years ago. The whole class ended up being a reminder of why I began practicing yoga and why I continue to do so.

(*Below - a chilled beet, avocado, cashew cream soup with peppermint I made for dinner. It's been so hot here only cold food sounds appetizing. The beets and peppermint were both from our local produce basket <3)


Yoga is not about being flexible, it's not about being able to do all the poses in every class, and it's not even about being physically strong. It's about meeting yourself where you're at, and encouraging yourself to find the strength to be your best self and continuing to do better. It's about recognizing where you've been hurt (whether by yourself or by someone else), forgiving that person, and allowing yourself to heal- to really heal. And it's about feeling the connection between your choices, your environment, and everything within and around you and knowing that the beginning of you making a difference starts with you loving yourself and being true to your self, because everything you do and feel is connected to the world around you.



(*Right - saw a good friend from high school on Sunday. We spent several hours catching up at Mud coffee. I forget sometimes how wonderful it is to talk to someone from your hometown.)

It was a beautiful class, and I even ended up singing a little bit (very softly), and since then I've felt all the strength come back to me. The past two classes this week have been a blast, tough as usual, but the challenge is so welcome because I know it's for my improvement. And I'm already over half way done :)

Needless to say my inversion practice has also been suffering from all this running around. Not to mention this heat is definitely keeping me off my roof and just in front of my fan. But here's Monday's bandha + hollow back focused handstand.

This is a rush post, so I apologize if it's sloppy and not as well written as it could be, but I wanted to get some of my thoughts down before too many more days passed! And as proof of my busy-ness here are a bunch of pictures from the last four days. Hopefully I'll be posting again tomorrow! x

I had a conversation with a client Wednesday- the day after my two day birthday hiatus- that included me telling her I was playing a little catch up on work since I had been out of the office. She responded by saying sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to take a vacation because of all the work that piles up. I have to say although I heartily disagree (I always welcome vacation!) it does make a difference when you get back to work- I didn't even realize I had missed 3 days of entries!! I've been so busy...

But as far as my classes at Sacred have been, these last three days have been a super fun triad. Wednesday was the nighttime Flow 75 (favorite standard), Thursday was Get Up Get Down - a flow class with inversion play (so much fun &so many laughs!) and tonight was the Hot Wind Down- a butt kicker and best way to end the week. I have so many thoughts to accompany these classes, but I guess I'll start with the little stuff.

Like the actual little stuff. This week has been interesting because not only have I been having tons of random flashbacks to movies, songs, and books that I haven't thought of since.. junior high? But I've also been dreaming about people who I haven't seen in years! I'm pretty sure that my practice is creating this a bit, allowing things to come up that haven't been thought of or have been pushed down for a long long time.

Why I'm convinced of this is because now that I feel like I have a little more control in class than I've had in the past, I've been able to pay attention to the smaller details of each pose- really deepening and tapping into my edge. This is a great feeling during class and I really feel like I'm connecting to new parts of myself I haven't connected to before, and I feel like I'm also accessing areas of my body that have been untouched for a very long time. All of these little areas have energy triggers and storage spaces that have held things in, and now I'm getting into those areas and doing a little cleaning.

Energetically it's thrown me just a bit. It's been several months since I've gotten emotional because of a class, and this time around I'm calm and concentrated-just trying to ride it out instead of holding on to whatever my body is trying to let go of. But I must say it's tricky sometimes just because my normal habit is to hold things in, focus on them… that line about beating a dead horse- well that's what I usually do with my emotions. I really make sure they're dead before I can walk away from them, and I'm trying so hard to not let myself do that anymore. We only hold onto the things we allow ourselves to hold onto- I don't want to hold onto 10 year old feelings and dispositions. It's not what I want to focus my energy on anymore.


Saying these things is easy, but actually doing them is another story, because it can be really scary to do new things with your emotions especially when they're deeply tied to long standing habits. A really really fun aspect of the Get Up Get Down class was that it really challenged us to face our natural fear of falling/being upside down. It's so funny- I think I had a major Batman moment. I didn't think I was afraid of being upside down, especially after all the falling I've been doing in my personal inversion practice (!!) but during class I caught myself being scared to do simple little things with my body that were geared towards really challenging that fear. And it wasn't until I accepted that I was scared was I really able to face it and work to release it.

I didn't necessarily feel it in class, but today in my pincha practice I was able to fully balance in the pose in a way I haven't ever before. I felt much more control, and it was because I knew I was scared, but I was okay with it. This, to me, was a perfect example of how to work through old emotional habits- the first step being able to see them objectively for what they are, accepting that they've been a part of you for a long time and still are, and then actively working to counter them. And it's not just an emotional process- it's mental, physical, and definitely requires faith (in whatever way that fits you).

So today when I went into class I thought to myself- today I'm going to focus more on these little things, and try to work through them, gain more from them, and release them to make room for more growth. I didn't push myself 100%, I probably could have gone to my edge a little more,  but I walked out feeling really good about how I did, and really good about myself. And that's all you can really ask for when you leave class- that you leave feeling better than how you went in.

It's been a very interesting 3 days- there has never been a class that hasn't taught me something, and I feel like this 30 day challenge is the express route. I still have a bunch of thoughts from these last few days, but considering this post is getting long enough as is, I guess I should stop before I play all my cards ;) I'll leave you with my headstand/ airplane dance pose. Until tomorrow x

Yesterday I turned 24 :) It was a wonderfully lazy and relaxed day, filled with so much love and I felt so lucky and blessed all day.
(*Right - my goofy birthday face. I was so happy all day!)


Jon also made a delicious black bean taco pizza for dinner which was super yummy- it was a crust from scratch, black bean base, then my homemade nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato, homemade salsa and crispy tortilla shreds sprinkled on top. I am so grateful to have a boyfriend who's so good in the kitchen :) I was also gifted a vitamix!!! It came in the day before and I was so excited that I made salsa, hummus, and ice cream with it all in one day. Clearly the Susie homemaker in me came out full force, haha!

(*Right - the delicious pizza made by my wonderful loverboy. Below - my new vitamix!)

I feel like each year comes with certain
responsibilities and certain lessons to be learned. I was reluctant to leave 23 behind because it was such a dramatic year of challenges and experiences, but I know the year ahead of me is going to be incredibly fulfilling. After a few years of feeling like I was flailing for answers (there really should be post-collage classes on how to be an adult/ what to expect from life after collage) I feel like I'm on a path that is going towards what I really want and what I really need for myself. There are no questions about whether I'm making the right decisions, it's just a matter of when I make them. It's a really good feeling.

But back to what this blog is actually about! The past two days of yoga have been soooooo much fun! I've hit a place in my practice where I feel really comfortable, and it starts from a simple physical movement. Breathing. But not just breathing- really breathing. Breathing calmly, deeply- with patience and with trust. Breathing as if each bit of oxygen that's coming in is full of love and you want to soak up every tiny molecule, and breathing out to make space for all the relaxation and comfort you're striving for in your body. Since that blazing hot class last Friday I've truly discovered how to keep my mind and my breath calm, and to let the movements do all the work. I no longer feel as much struggle, and I really feel as though I'm moving through a meditation.

It's as if the past few years of my practice I've had a collar around my neck and my lungs, holding them in just slightly to the point where it's hard for me to breathe. I've never had an easy time breathing, even in gym classes in junior high and high school. Smoking for several years certainly didn't help, but after I quit three years ago it took a really long time to notice a difference.

These past few days though it's as if I've never taken in a full breath before, and I can keep it steady even when my heart is beating like crazy. It gives this automatic feeling of control and peace throughout the body, because the breath in my opinion is the strongest physical way to access your inner power. When you are breathing you're alive, and if you can breathe calmly under duress then you are proving your strength to yourself and building your power simultaneously. The yoga teachers say it all the time "breathe, just breathe, breathe calmly" but it's different when you hear it and you thinking you're doing it versus actually doing it and knowing you're doing it right.

As for my inversion practice- I didn't do much of it yesterday- I pretty much just played around on the roof! However, between my eka pada rajapotasana, chakrasana, and hollow back practice I really have been noticing an opening in my shoulders- and wow what a difference that makes!


New things are happening in my practice and it's so exciting!! I just keep hoping for each day to be a good day, going in with no expectations, and trying my best to be as open as I can, and not just in class. And on that note we'll see what today/tonight brings!