Every day that goes by I think about writing another blog post. I'm now in my third week of YTT and there have been such a vast array of things going through my head. Things about yoga and asana for sure, but also things about myself, my family, my relationships, experiences that I thought I understood before that I'm now interpreting in entirely new ways. It's mind boggling - like, if I were to describe what mind boggling feels like, this is DEFINITELY it.

 

It's not that my whole world is being flipped on it's head, because it isn't. A lot of what we're digging into in class is stuff that I have encountered before in some capacity, but we're going so much deeper into all of it. One of my fellow teachers in training described in the first week as "a breaking down to build back up," and I am totally feeling that this week.



Having the opportunity to take the vivid, exciting, and completely elevating information that I'm gathering in class right into my world each week is daunting. I am naturally finding myself questioning and observing and being aware of so many new things in my world. It's pretty exhausting. And to be honest right now…. I'm scared. I'm so in love with this whole process, and every time I'm in the space of the studio I'm excited and I feel safe, but when I step out of the studio I'm so scared. I'm scared of not retaining all of it, I'm scared of not being able to eventually teach to my full potential, I'm really scared to go through all of this and not come out on the other end more well-round, more knowledgable, more compassionate and understanding, and I'm super scared about how much I'm going to change from this. I wouldn't consider myself a person with an aversion to change, but you know when it's happening rapidly it's always hard, and it's always scary because it's the first time you're doing something completely new.


One thing I have to say I've been doing lately, that I think is one of the hardest things and is partly what's facilitating my nerves, is that I've been giving myself permission. In moments when I feel the voices creeping up in my head saying "you can't do that! you won't be able to do that! you're not good enough!" I clear them out as quick as I can, and I tell myself "you can. you always can. you may not right now if it's not you're time, but be receptive, be thoughtful, and it will come from your heart just right and at the right time." And this is for so many things. For things I want to say to people who are close to me, to asana's in my physical practice, to future goals I want to achieve - those voices come up, and I'm giving myself complete permission to shut them the fuck up.

But, you know, that means I put myself out there a bit more, which, of course, is terrifying. Seeing yourself in a completely honest way is something that is really really hard but I think should be done often - because we are constantly changing minute by minute, but also because it helps us confront exactly what needs to be taken care of at that moment, and it doesn't build and explode out of us later on. I guess the point I'm trying to make right now is that I feel like some stuff is pouring out of me from the past (particularly this week) and I'm doing my best to acknowledge it, and take care of it. Most of that time that means seeing it and letting it go immediately.

I think this post is becoming more of a free-for-all of a bunch of things floating around in my head, however, this week has been emotionally confusing for me and when that happens I usually have to spew out what I'm feeling in one way or another. It's a good thing I've got this blog…

To wrap this one up I'll just say that the Yoga Sutra's are something I think everyone should read at some point if they're interested in thinking about the universe in a very big, yet very personal way and they're looking to find the tools for inner stillness, Daring Greatly should be required reading - I couldn't have written any of this post had I not been in the middle of this book, and everyone should breathe from their diaphragm - let go of the sucking in! It'll expand your world- trust me.

Much love all <3


ps. I've been doing a lot of ig yoga lately, and the ones you see here are just some of my favorites :) and yes that's my boyfriends face in the last one.

What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of new situations? Falling? Heights? Walking home in the dark? Someone you love dying? Are you afraid of losing your health? Losing a friend? Losing your phone? What about spiders? Cockroaches? Maybe snakes? Are you afraid of hurting yourself? What about hurting yourself emotionally? Are you afraid of not getting what you want? Not succeeding? Not thriving?

I'm personally afraid of a lot of things- rational and irrational. There are times when I think I give into my fears a little too easily, I don't even try to get over them. With spiders, I just ask my boyfriend to take care of it, no question. But with bigger situations that are more socially or emotionally based, I give into them with negative self talk, by backing away from a precarious situation, pulling into my little shell and cowering from whatever it is that is making me uncomfortable.

Sometimes that fear has nothing to do with something treacherous at all. Sometimes it's meeting someone new, one on one. Sometimes it's being honest and not knowing the reaction I'm going to get. Sometimes it's just being myself. Some days I'm just too tired to be courageous- I'm too weak in my spirit. It's those days that I've come to realize are indicators that I have not been doing my part to keep myself strong. I have not been giving myself the time, the self care I require, and as a consequence I lack confidence.

One thing I've learned is that to build courage takes practice. It doesn't happen over night. Negativity towards oneself and giving into fear is something that we can do daily and far too easily. Positivity and bravery are also things we can do daily, but they can seem much much harder. And how do we get over being scared? I for one will stop, take a deep breath, let it out, and soften into myself. Giving myself that moment is the first and most important thing I can do to remind myself that I am here- I am with myself, and I am here for myself.

It's like any relationship. If you were to treat yourself like a good friend, like a best friend, what kind of affection and honesty would you give yourself? What kind of jokes would you tell yourself if you were feeling poorly? What kind of motivational words would you give yourself, because if you know that if you were talking to your best friend you would want them to deeply feel and hold onto the confidence to succeed in whatever task, large or small, they were pursuing.

This week starts my yoga teacher training, and although I am excessively excited, today I think is the first day I'm actually pretty nervous. I'm not feeling very well, and I haven't practiced in a hot room in almost a month. With all the traveling and moving around I've been doing, I've skipped out on a lot of personal one-on-one time with just me. It's amazing how just a few weeks without concentrated practice can effect a person.

Which is what made me start thinking about this post. In the time that I haven't been giving myself time, I've notice a dwindling in my courage. The negative self talk comes up and it's harder for me to hit down. The little fears appear and instead of facing them, I tuck myself inside my shell and either wait for them to go away, or I simply walk away. These are in no way actions of bravery, these are moment of giving into my vulnerabilities.

But this is my breaking point. This post is my declaration of a new beginning. This new journey of TT is on my horizon and not surprisingly the theme of the course is courage. I have signed myself up for the class of fear facing! So now it's coming time to really ask myself, what am I afraid of? And most importantly how do I plan on overcoming those fears? And today begins the first day of me turning my course, turning back towards what I'm afraid of and learning to know it, understand it, overcome it. One of my big fears is putting myself out there, honestly and openly, so I plan on doing a lot of sharing on this blog about my journey.

I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm so in need of yoga. I'm nervous about the challenges, I'm scared of what I might have to let go of in myself. I'm definitely afraid of not doing my best, but I'm so excited for all the growth that's ahead. The best thing about facing your fears, facing the bad stuff, facing the uncomfortable parts of you, your life, the people and things around you, is that once you do there is nothing that can take back those moments of courage. And that courage becomes a part of you.

So let's do this!!

I've been wanting to write this post for days. I keep thinking about it, wanting to write it, and then getting caught up in something else- whether it be cooking, working, cleaning, anything- and it needs to be written! I feel like I'm at this really exciting mid-point in my practice where I can reflect on all the challenges I've encountered, and the distance I've covered just before I hit a major lift off point (aka teacher training!) which I know will be an incredible journey all in itself. But I want to take this time before training kicks in to really talk about progress, because it's taken me a long time to understand what progress really feels like, looks like- what it really means.

(*All photos go from left to right in progression- the earliest start in March 2013, the most recent are from today or yesterday)

It wasn't until a point a couple years ago did I start really understanding the importance of time with regards to progress. To be honest I think it really hit me when I decided (after shaving all my hair off) that I wanted my hair to grow out really long. It took years for it to grow out even to the length it was before I cut it all off, and during those years I would continually look in the mirror, pull on my hair, and think "just grow fasterrrr!" But of course it didn't. My hair took it's precious time growing out, torturing me through its phases along the way.

When I started up my yoga practice full force after a few years of it being off and on I made this decision to find a strength in my practice that I hadn't found before. I wanted to transform my body out of the stagnant shape that it had been in for so long, and release a lot of what was being held in me. I knew at the time about the scar tissue in my hips, I knew about how energy stores itself in pockets of the body, and I knew that unless I found a pattern of physical activity in my youth I might not find it later in my life (which I also knew is extremely important for mental and physical longevity). I was feeling weak in my body and in my spirit, and I knew that a consistent yoga practice would help to alleviate those dispositions.

So I jumped back into it. And I quickly learned that my body, just like my hair, requires its own time to strengthen and grow. I had to accept that nothing I could do would help my hair grow faster- it would have to grow in it's own time, and I inevitably had to accept this for my body as well.

Progress is not an instantaneous thing. Nor is it something that requires years and years (unless we really believe it needs to, or we're counteracting our own growth simultaneously). It is something that takes a little at a time, otherwise how would we be able to digest all the change all at once? Granted sometimes life will throw us curve balls and we'll have to adjust quickly and appropriately, but most of the time, for our own personal growth, we can only ask of ourselves to do a little more than we think we can each day.

The beautiful thing about yoga is that if you can't physically do something or go to a depth you want to go to that day, your body will make it VERY clear that it's not an option that day, and you become forced to accept that. The extremely important thing to take away from days like that, however, is not disappointment, or frustration, or excuses, but rather faith in oneself. Because even though we may not be able to do something one day doesn't mean we won't be able to do it the next day, or the next week/month/year as long as we have faith in ourselves ad our natural capacity for change.

In Anatomy of the Spirit there is a line that says: "Belief in oneself is required for healing." Belief is faith, and without faith in oneself we will be completely unable to overcome any obstacle in our way, whether we put it there for ourselves or not. Healthy progress, mentally and physically, requires a natural ease from one point to the next- no short cuts allowed. But the beautiful thing is that with all the time and energy we use comes an incredible satisfaction and fulfillment, because the results surprise us and excite us, and we begin to learn that it's not just the results that we're working for, it's the work itself.

When I was once in a really low place, where I was lost in my process and I didn't know if I could get to the other side, a person, not even that close to me, who I admired and looked up to sent me a message that contained, "Hold on tight. It's going to be okay. Live the question, ride the process, find solace in the unknown." And those words helped me more than I think this person realized. Because that's what matters- it's not the goal, it's the challenge. If we look only at the goal so far off in the distance it will seem impossible to get to that point, and we will likely lose our faith in ourselves, but if we look just a few steps ahead of ourselves, and work forward towards just those few steps, before we know it the goal is right in front of us. And we'll realize all those steps we took to get there were the guidance we needed to overcome our obstacle.

When I was ruminating about this subject of progress, a clip from one of my all time favorite movies popped into my head. Progress is not something that can ever be achieved alone, and more people than we realize contribute to our individual progress daily. Travis Birkenstock from Clueless describes it almost perfectly when giving this acceptance speech for accumulating the most tardies in his class. Just imagine him saying "progress" instead of "tardiness" and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about :)



And on that note- don't ever give up on yourself. Because if you keep working a little bit day by day towards what you're trying to achieve, eventually you'll get there, and you'll realize every step of your journey was a piece in the puzzle of that achievement. So enjoy the ride. x

I want to dedicate this post strictly to talking about body image. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm not sure how or why it came up, but discussing my feelings about it with regards to yoga seems appropriate.

I never had confidence in my body when I was younger. I was ridiculously tall when I was in elementary school, and too thick (the girls were so thin in junior high), and I just felt plain awkward in my skin. There was no connection between what I felt in my body to what I thought in my head, and I felt incredibly disconnected because of it. The disdain I felt for what I looked like developed into a fear of what I looked like, making me extremely self conscious. When I decided to finally try out for a sport, I would crush myself under the pressure because I was always thinking about "what I looked like" whenever I did anything - including hitting the softball. So needless to say, I stayed away from sports or anything too physical.

What I thought was my appearance was very far removed from what I actually looked like, and when I did finally look in the mirror with objective eyes in my teenage years it was really hard for me to accept what I saw. There was nothing disfigured about me, there was nothing ugly about me, and now when I look back I realize I was completely normal. But I never felt normal, I felt ugly, and that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I realize this is a feeling tons and tons of people of both genders feel. We are all pressured to look and appear and preform to level that society places on us, and we all pick up that pressure at one point or another in our lives. Some of us are better at shaking it than others, and I happen to be one of the people who had a much harder time. It can be so painful for those it really effects because it becomes subconsciously saturated into all of our decisions, reactions, and interactions, and over time it's increasingly difficult to let go.

My negative self image continued all the way through college. As I did in high school, I sought approval through what I wore, how I did my make up and hair, trying to mask the discomfort of everything underneath. But nothing anyone ever said really made me feel better, and no compliments were ever really accepted because I didn't believe them. It continued to eat at me, and I made really poor choices out of the bitterness I felt toward my body. Even after I started my yoga practice I still continued to feel this way.


Only recently did I start feeling sincere love towards my body. It took years of wanting to change, years of wanting to accept myself for just how I was, and finally months of very consistent yoga practice and dedication towards making choices that were good for my body for me to start to feel comfortable in this home of mine. I still struggle with it, but not nearly in the same way as I did before. It took me waking up to the fact that I had to take action, literal and consistent action, because nothing connects you more to your own body than physical exercise.

Yoga practice is a practice of connecting to the energy that moves throughout your body, and no area is seen as more or less advantaged. Each part is as valuable as the next - the toes, the thighs, the abdomen, the skin, the joints, the tendons, the eyes, the tongue, the heart, all of it- and as you begin to feel the importance and interdependence of each part, you begin to enjoy and appreciate each part for exactly what it is and what it gives you.

I have grown to sincerely love my body because I now feel and seek the feelings my body provides for me. When my body is happy, my mind is happy, and there is no way I would have felt this way had I stayed as disconnected as I had been.

I know now that people make such poor decisions for themselves because they don't hear what their body is telling them. I know the reason why people seek bad habits and thoughtless consumption (of all things, not just food) is because they're trying to seek a fulfillment of something that seems to constantly evade them. But that fulfillment is right inside of you, it's RIGHT THERE, it's so close you can't even touch it but you can feel it so deep within you if you find it. And when you find it you know and trust that it has and will always be there. Finding it and holding onto it takes a lot of work, but all great things do. And although the search and discovery is different for everyone, I am convinced that if a person has a negative self image that their search must start with a surrender to the body, exactly how it is.

If there could be any advice that I give to anyone out there who suffers from a negative self image it would be to take time every single day to be in your body and not in your head. To sit and feel all of the things that are moving through you- all of the energy because there is a lot of it, and it's constantly moving and evolving within you. Notice the tension in any little area, whether it be in your jaw, your toes, your neck, your spine, your forehead, anywhere, and relax it. Notice if you feel good in your skin, and if you don't, ask yourself why. And if negative thoughts come up, let them come up, but make sure to let them go and replace them with positive thoughts. That may be the hardest part, because having a loving self image starts by first showing yourself love, and it can be soooo much harder to sincerely give yourself loving thoughts than it seems.

Be with yourself. Remember that this is your home, and just like any standing structure that you live in you have to do your part to organize it, clean it, and keep it up so that it doesn't collapse but can keep you comfortable for as long as you need it to. Be good to yourself, because your body wants you to, it always wants you to.

And always remember that the beauty of you is that you are changing every single second of every single day, and if you sincerely want to change and become more of who you want to be, all it takes is making that dedicated choice to becoming better little by little.

And yoga is always an option :) haha! But seriously- it changed my life, it could change yours too. Even just a few months ago I could have never thought to put a blog post out in the world like this. But today I think I'm pretty okay with it. x

Quick Edit: I realized I have a lot more to say on this subject, so this post may be a part one!

 In the week since my last post I have not gone to a yoga class every day. I regret to say that my goal of 40 days has been squelched, simply because work has been very busy (which is good) and I've been enjoying a lot of time with friends (which is also good) so I regret to say that I don't really regret not going to class! In my post "Rest" I stated that "in yoga, rest is 50% of the growth" and I have to say this statement is very true. In the time that I have not been in class I have found a breathing room that I didn't have before, and when I have been in class that breathing room translates into my physical practice. For the first time in a very very long time I feel very strong, and not just in my muscles.

(*Below - it was a really fun weekend with the boyfriend and with some good friends)
In the time I haven't been in class I have also been catching up on my reading. I've been slowly making my way through Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, and it seems that whenever I pick up the book I learn something more about myself and the people around me. That's essentially what the book is geared toward anyway, but it's always pleasantly surprising when something seemingly unrelated to certain aspects of your life parallels exactly with those aspects. It gives me the feeling that I'm moving in the right direction.

(*Below - been making so much good food lately! Still trying to keep it raw when I can)
Anyway the part of the book that I'm reading currently is focussed on the second chakra which is considered the partnership chakra. It's main location in the body is the lower abdomen to the navel area, and it effects the sexual organs, the large intestine, the lower vertebrae, pelvis, hip area, appendix, and bladder. The energy here is considered to be the source of our creativity, the source of our need for relationships, and the source of our (limited) control of our physical environment. It effects our perception of sex, of relationships, of money, authority, and morality, and in the book it states that the sacred truth attached to this chakra is "Honor One Another."

When reading this chapter of the book I noticed a lot of the emotional discomfort that I've felt over the years is described as being attached to this chakra. Fear of loss of control or being controlled by another person, fear of betrayal, abandonment, addiction, rape and loss of power of the physical body. Before I had no idea where these fears were coming from, and I assumed they developed over time from certain things I was exposed to and subconsciously held on to, and that's really exactly what happened. I held onto these fears so strongly that they began to build themselves into my body, and whenever they were triggered the scars only got deeper.


Since I was a teenager I started developing issues in my hips. I had no idea what it was from, but if I walked for extended periods of time it would feel like my hip joints had been rubbing together creating this deeply warm pain that wouldn't go away for hours. I've held a tightness there that only grew over the years, and it wasn't until I started my yoga practice did I really realize how bad the tightness was. It began effecting my knees and lower back, and I started getting really scared of what might happen if I didn't do something about it.

After seeing a few different therapists and physical therapists I was told that I had a large amount of scare tissue build up throughout my hips and up through my lower abdomen. I came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was to stretch this area often and as much as possible to bring blood flow through the tissue and allow it to heal naturally over time. This has been a main focus throughout my practice, and I have to say through the years I've been seeing a lot of improvement physically.




At the beginning of August I started a new physical challenge for myself, which is to really work on releasing the tension in the lower half of my body much more so than I have before. This requires me stretching out my hips and lower abdomen everyday for 30 or so minutes. Since I've started doing this, the energy I feel pulsing through my hips has been crazy! It's as if I've been slowly opening a blocked river and the water is just pouring through.

But the parallel to my challenge has been this chapter of Anatomy, making me entirely aware that this is not just going to be a physical challenge but also a spiritual and mental one. One that requires me really letting go of my fears listed above along with my fears of money, sex and power (funny how those three things are always linked, huh?). The really exciting part of this challenge is that the energy is linked so much to creativity that by utilizing the creative power within me I'm encouraging this chakra to open, and my physical body to open with it. Which means any time I get the urge to do anything artistic or creative I'm taking it!

(*Below - these and the few images above are a few of my daily hip openers)

So although I haven't exactly been in class, I have still been practicing every single day. After the 30 day challenge I've realized that my journey with yoga must extend past my physical body, and I must let it envelop my emotional and moral world. And really I'm not even trying (in the sense that I feel like I'm forcing) it's just happening. It's really exciting.

As an end note, I have a few awesome quotes from the book I'd like to share. I hope you guys enjoy :)

" Paradoxically, while the energy of the second chakra inclines us to try to control our lives, the lesson of the second chakra is that we cannot be in control. We are physical beings and energy beings, but since the physical world cannot be controlled, the task before us is to master out inner responses to the external world, our thoughts and emotions... The truth contained within the paradoxical nature of dualism this: It is not what we choose that matters; our power to influence an outcome lies within our reasons for making a certain choice."

"If allowed to flow, creative energy will continually act to reshape our lives and reveal more meaning for why things happen as they do than we could determine on our own."

"...relationships are essentially spiritual messengers. They bring into our lives-and we into theirs- revelations about our own strengths and weaknesses... We can more easily see the symbolic value or our relationships when we release our compulsion to judge what and we has value and instead focus on honoring the person and the task with which we are involved."

"So long as we focus on trying to control another person and forget that that person is a mirror reflecting back to us our own qualities, we keep conflict alive within ourselves. Seeing ourselves and others in symbolic unions, however, helps us accommodate differences. "

"Habit is a hell to which people cling in attempt to stop the flow of change."

Expect a million more of these from me in the near future. x

It finally arrived today - the big day 30! The technical end to the challenge at Sacred! It has been a whirl wind of a 30 days that's for sure. I had no idea what to expect going in, but I feel like I've hit my all time yoga low and all time yoga high in this past month. I'm just glad I went in with the complete conviction that I was going to finish no matter what.

(*Right- snapshots of me either about to fall, falling, or having fallen. &don't worry mom, I'm never anywhere close to the edge of the roof!)


Yesterday might have been my toughest day, for many reasons. Emotionally I don't even think I was in my body, and mentally my thoughts were running nonstop all day. It was one of those days where I couldn't let go of my negativity- it just seethed through me and nothing made me feel good. I didn't want to go to class at all, and I seriously considered not going, but with two days left and having accomplished 28 days already, I knew it wasn't an option. So I draaaaaagged myself there, and I was practically in tears before the class even began. 

(*Left - my 30 inversions for my personal 30 day inversion challenge.  I'm so happy with how far my pincha has come!)

How do you let go during days like that? How do you put yourself aside and move just by the commands of an instructor? How do you focus on breathing when it feels like all of your thoughts have been strangling your brain all day? How do you give into release when all you've been trying to do for 24 hours is find control? At this point I'm not sure I could tell you the answer to any of these, because half way through class I gave up.


(*Right - close up 1 of 2 celebratory inversion poses from today. Getting more time in my handstands, perhaps next month will be a dedicated handstand challenge?)

You know, yoga is not something terribly serious. Class is not a life or death situation, and really, from an observers standpoint it just looks beautiful and peaceful. In action itappears to be rejuvenating, graceful, balanced, strong - exactly all the qualities it in turn gives you. But couldn't you say that about most things? Life included? Most of the time it looks rather easy from the outside, and when done with mindfulness, peacefulness, and openness it actually is pretty easy. But a lot of the time it's actually pretty tough, and when you start to notice all the things influencing and effecting a persons life you start to realize it's extremely complicated. 

On my best days I am what yoga gives me - peaceful, mindful, open, balanced. On my worst days I am fighting against what the world is pushing on me - which could be any combination of crazy things that you pull out of the air. And that fight either wins and I surrender into feeling awful about myself, or I win and get a little extra boost of strength that I can hold onto for the next rainy day. Yesterday I lost, and although I stayed through class and tried my best to finish out each pose, I felt defeated. It's a pretty lame feeling. (*Below- my celebratory pincha pose :)


But what I took from the class, which is a lesson that I've tried to learn over and over and over in a million different ways, is that I can not beat myself up about not being able to do something in the absolute best way I can. Yesterdays class only started getting too difficult when I started feeling like I was doing poorly and I started getting angry at myself for it. From that point it's just a vicious cycle of me getting more and more upset with myself and slowly starting to feel worse and worse. I need to know when to lighten up, and when it's okay for me to say "yeah I can sit this one out." No one except me expects anything from me, so it's okay for me to lower my expectations when it's just too much. But damn it's hard to remember in real time.

The funny thing is I must have needed to really get something out of my system, because today's class was one of the best of the whole 30 days. It was just pure fun, and I left feeling all the wonderful energy a great class fills me with. I'm sure it being my official final day helped a lot, but nothing of the tension that I had last night was with me. Isn't that interesting? The universe can one day feel like it's crashing on us, and the next it can feel like nothing could keep us down. Just goes to show that everything is impermanent, the good and the bad. All we can ask from ourselves is to soak in as much of the beauty and weightlessness from the good times, and to get through the heavy times with grace and with patience. Because it will all eventually pass.

So that's it! 30 days done, yoga blog done…. JUST KIDDING! Neither are done in my book. I'm going for the full 40 yoga days, if not more, and you can expect to see a whole lot more posting here for who knows how long. This yoga girl's journey is no where near the end, and as a matter of fact, this is only the beginning :) x

My mom came into town yesterday and at dinner we started discussing exercise (a topic that often comes up for us) and I told her something that was very true to me about yoga. Yoga is not something I have to do every day to stay fit. It is not my exercise. It is not a requirement for me, not even in this challenge. I am not forcing myself to do this for some perfect result I'm trying to head towards. And it is not "work" in the sense that I have to really try passed my natural desires.


(* Above - the beautiful sky from the other night after practice)

Yoga has become for me a practice of growth and internal and external evolution. It's a necessary balance to keep my body happy, like eating or breathing. It's my daily medicine, and it's my daily check in with myself. The secondary benefits that come naturally are a stronger body and mind, a healthier outlook on life, a growing amount of patience and humility and love…

(* Right- a lot of handstand and pincha practice this week. These poses are too fun to not practice every day!)

(* Below- me and Tanya in our headstands :)

It's just like a sincere long lasting relationship. If you're with someone you love, happiness isn't necessarily always going to be there, because happiness and love aren't always tied together. Happiness is the secondary benefit that comes from being your partner's mirror, their honest and objective reliance, their compassionate and understanding ear, and their loyal heart. Striving for those aspects allows for happiness to naturally find it's way through, and it stays rooted deep rather than just being on the surface.

Yoga is the same way. Each practice is not always going to be awesome and you're not always going to be able to preform in the same way, but the benefits and joy that comes from daily practice born out of the desire for one's own personal growth is deep and long lasting. Which is what I personally think is the key to how yogis live so long :)

This week has been so busy, but what has really kept me grounded through the stress has been my practice. It's a wonderful thing to come back to. I also taught my first "unofficial" class with a friend of mine, and it just reaffirmed how much I really want to teach. I can't wait to start training.

And now off to day 27! I most definitely can't get enough of all of this, so I think I'm just going to keep going and not put an end date on the challenge. Who knows - maybe I'll go a whole lot longer than I thought I could! xo

The awesome thing about this 30 day challenge is that I'm pushing myself to try out new classes and teachers that I haven't tried before. It's only been one week but I already feel like I've experienced a real variety of classes, which is so beneficial to not only my practice but also to my own gathering of teaching observations. Granted I'm only sticking to yoga- I could definitely also try any of the pilates, pole dancing, or other movement classes, but for now at least I feel like I'm getting a lot of education with just the yoga.
    















(*I didn't get a lot of pics, but here are a few early ones of my my man by the grill just before we really got it going, and some good friends having a good time.)

I think the Hot Fusion class is my new favorite class. It's just challenging enough without being too exhausting, and I leave feeling like I got just what I needed. That's exactly what yesterday's class was, and it was the perfect way to start the day before our long hot bbq park adventure (which was a blast!). Not to mention hot yoga is definitely the best way to prep for a blazing 90 something degree weather day like yesterday- I swear I can mentally manage the heat so much better.

Physically though, the heat might be getting to me. Today I'm feeling pretty damn tired, and I think between the long days in the sun this week and the early rising every morning I've gotten a little worn. So today I'm allowing myself to recuperate and relax alllll day - no pressure to do anything… except I still need to get my inversion in for the day! Yesterday at the park I tried practicing my handstands without a wall or a tree- I even got a few friends to try with me at the end of the day. I can't balance for too long, but I am definitely understanding more and more what areas need to be activated, how that feels, and how it all ties into balance. It's so fun- there's always something to learn in yoga.

Due to yesterday being the 4th of July and all, I figured I could allow myself one day completely away from the lovely glow of my computer screen. So today's entry in another combo entry, but this time I think it works out appropriately.

Yesterday's class was one of two classes the studio held during the holiday, and because of the 30 day challengers it was packed. Feet were in faces, sweaty arms were constantly bumping each other, your neighbors breathing sounded like it was right next to your ear… I LOVE classes like that. Seriously. I always feel like there is so much energy in the room that it has to be a good time, and really no one can take themselves seriously when they're doing chaturanga into someone else's feet. Not to mention you have to get comfortable with one another- your space is going to get invaded and you gotta get comfortable with that, because the plus side is then you get to make friends.

Classes like that also require a lot of focus, which is something I'm not sure I realized until yesterday. The whole point is still to have a breathing/moving meditation with yourself in the company of others, so allowing the presence of the people around you to become secondary and not become a distraction is key. But that's tough when you're constantly worrying if you're going to accidentally hit the person next to you.

Tonight's class on the other hand was HOT- even hotter than the room with 30 or so people in it from yesterday. I haven't been in a room that hot since Bikram LES (or at least that's how I felt!), and surprisingly I totally dug it. There is a whole other challenge that comes up with heat, and it requires full mental control (or release depending on how you look at it) . I found at one point in the class that I really wanted to give up, but when I took a knee I realized I was breaking not because my heart was racing out of control, I couldn't find my breath, or I was feeling nauseous, but because I had literally just thought to myself "No way can I do this right now." But I totally could! The only thing stopping me was that I didn't think I could. So I took a deep breath and refocused. And for the rest of the flow series that's what I concentrated on. No mind, no thoughts, nothing. Just deep, long inhales and exhales. Feeling my heart pounding and feeling myself calming it with every breath and movement. And that's what yoga is about, and it was amazing.

The major lesson I learned between these two classes was a personal one. Yesterday's class I would normally consider rather "easy". It wasn't hot, the flow was relatively moderate, and we were given a pretty fair amount of breaks. However I also don't consider that I personally did "well" in that class. My breathing was uneven, it was hard for me to concentrate, and I definitely didn't push myself as much as I know I could have. 

Tonight's class however, I would definitely consider "hard" but I also feel I personally did really "well" and I believe it was because I was forced to concentrate because of the heat and it was easier because of there were fewer people in the room. Granted we all have our good days and bad days, and yesterday just could have been a bad day, but I also think that when I am given a certain type of challenge I will automatically want to live up to it, while when I'm given another kind of challenge I won't know what to do with it. But each class will present a different of challenge, and it's entirely up to me to face that challenge when it comes and get through it the best way I can, no matter the circumstances. Because that's what life is about, and when you do get through challenges you feel amazing.


So to make a long two days short (not really) that's been my double daily yoga dose. And as for my personal inversion challenge, day 4 and 5 were pinchmayurasana/forearm stand and a standard shoulder stand. The good news is I'm getting much better at my pincha!! Wall shmall, I'll straighten this sucker out in no time ;)

On my days in between classes I've been trying to get up and stretch as often as possible. Taking a second (or a minute) to find balance in a posture I've found clears my head and helps me refocus when I turn back to my computer. I'm just glad I work from home so that I can take these moments and not interrupt my coworkers. Perhaps one day all offices will have 10 minute yoga/meditation breaks every few hours. I equate it to nap time in preschool- its so rejuvenating.

One of my latest focusses have been on my hamstrings. I've always considered myself flexible until recently I've realized my hamstrings are nowhere near where I want them to be, and I'm going to have to work pretty hard to get them loosened up. I can feel that right where below where my hips begin is the where they start to weaken and that's where my back starts to want to bend.

Although I can easily place my hands flat on the floor and pull my feet up from any sitting forward fold, the ability to bend with a straight back is something I know will benefit me in so many postures. The focus is now to bend solely with a flat back to feel the stretch begin from the base of my spine and work downward instead of my legs upward. If that means I have to bend my knees (which I totally look down on for some reason!) then I will for the benefit of a full forward stretch.