I flew out to San Diego a week ago tomorrow, and on the plane ride over I took some time to write the post below. Although I've thought about posting this every day since I landed I haven't, simply because I'm in California, one of my best friends was in town, I've been catching up with old faces, and I'm soaking in as much salty air and sunshine as possible. However, I've finally forced a little discipline on myself to organize this small entry- so below are some thoughts I had almost a week ago, and some.. well actually lots of pictures from the past two weeks :) I hope you enjoy xo

(*some brooklyn fun before the flight out west)
I'm currently on a plane flying out to San Diego. Although my usual reaction to flying is excitement, the closer the day of the flight comes the more I start to get really superstitious. Everything is a sign that this is it, something is going to go wrong, and it's my turn and everyone else on the plane's turn… to die. It happens every time. I eventually end up getting on the plane regardless, and once in the air I'm usually more excited about how incredible everything looks from the height (not to mention the clouds!!) than anything else. I resign myself to the fact that, if this actually were my time, that's exactly what it would be- my time, and I'd have to accept that because what other choice to I have?

(*pre-plane stretching - so important!)

I feel like a lot of things in life are like that- we don't have control over nearly 1% of our lives really. From the food that's put in front of us at the grocery stores, the quality of the air in neighborhoods we live, even what we'll encounter once we step out of our doors- all of those things have already been determining themselves. The food has already been picked by the farmers and been transported by the pilots and/or the truck drivers, the people in our cities have already been driving and the planes have already been flying, seeping their exhaust into the air while the trees and plants keep trying to soak it up, and we all have our own agendas which usually lead us to come into contact with everyone else that stepped out their own front doors. All of these things and millions of other little decisions and actions are happening and occurring throughout the world and the universe all the time, and to think we have any control over any of it is incredibly arrogant. We each have an effect on the ongoings of the world, and thus our decision making (each and every decision) is incredibly important and symbolic, but our level of control externally is minimal.

(*when cec was in town we made sure to go to the beach every single day)

Which leads me to my thoughts on self control. The one arena we each have the opportunity to hold complete power is our own selves. Our minds, our bodies- our thoughts, words, actions, beliefs, attitudes are all things we have 100% control over. Most of the time I'm not sure most people realize the immensity of this power we are capable of having. Most of the time we're all too busy and too distracted trying to control the impermanence around us to even recognize the sheer wonder of our own bodies and capability of our characters.

The movie for the flight was 42 - the movie about Jackie Robinson's first few years in the major leagues. What a story. He is a man who is an incredible representation of what inner power and strength of self can prove. The sheer stamina let alone grace, patience, and determination came all from within him, despite the excessive and ignorant opposition he faced.

(*california yoga <3)
While watching the movie I felt incredibly humbled and inspired by how strong of a character he had. And I just kept thinking- we are all capable of that kind of strength. Every single one of us. It's just allowing ourselves the opportunity. Clearly we won't all find it through baseball (some of us will find it through yoga ;) but the natural ebb and flow of life forces challenges on us whether we like it or not, and those are truly our opportunities to look within ourselves to see just how strong we can be. The external world wants to hand us challenges, and we all go through different ones that become unique to each of our lives. And that's exactly what they are- they are the bumps in our journeys.

I was thinking earlier about how much I've learned in the past few years. About how much I've changed and how much stronger I've become because of certain experiences I found my way into years ago. And I realized that all of the people who I have for so long considered to be the negative people that were the source of a lot of my pain, self doubt, self loathing, and personal confusion were also the source of my positive change. Had I never met those people and made those unhealthy decisions for myself, I never would have stumbled, fallen, learned to pick myself up, and then kept walking. I would have never found the strength in myself to choose differently and move away from those people because I knew I was worth more. I would have never started my journey of proving to myself that I feel that I'm worth more. So really, all of those people helped me and guided me. Not in the most nurturing ways, sure, but where would I be without them?

(*moments...)


The challenges we encounter are not there to beat us down, or destroy our spirits. They may do that for a period of time, but that's just what it is - a period of time. Because what they're really there for is proving to us that we are all capable of finding strength from the obstacles. They're there for us to be reminded of how strong we are. Because we are. Just think about the human body and how much it can physically endure, right? Well our spirits, our characters, our selves (as much as it seems the world at times is telling us the opposite) are just as strong- if not stronger. Because sometimes just will power can make the body do seemingly super human things.

So I'm still on this plane, and I'm not scared, because if it goes down I'm ok knowing that it was just my time. My family, my friends and my boyfriend all know how much I love them, and that's what matters to me. And at the very least I've learned, and hopefully helped other's learn, a few awesome things about life. And I feel really good knowing that although I am still really scared to be strong, and really scared of finding myself, and really scared of being myself and being strong in a world where so many people are so judgmental and critical (mostly out of fear and fear of facing themselves I know!) I'm still really glad that I'm trying and I've given myself the opportunity to try.

(*more california yoga <3)
Finding inner strength is not easy, and like everything else it takes practice and many reminders. So this post has become one of my many official reminders. BE STRONG. You'll end up hitting home runs like Jackie Robinson.

I want to dedicate this post strictly to talking about body image. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I'm not sure how or why it came up, but discussing my feelings about it with regards to yoga seems appropriate.

I never had confidence in my body when I was younger. I was ridiculously tall when I was in elementary school, and too thick (the girls were so thin in junior high), and I just felt plain awkward in my skin. There was no connection between what I felt in my body to what I thought in my head, and I felt incredibly disconnected because of it. The disdain I felt for what I looked like developed into a fear of what I looked like, making me extremely self conscious. When I decided to finally try out for a sport, I would crush myself under the pressure because I was always thinking about "what I looked like" whenever I did anything - including hitting the softball. So needless to say, I stayed away from sports or anything too physical.

What I thought was my appearance was very far removed from what I actually looked like, and when I did finally look in the mirror with objective eyes in my teenage years it was really hard for me to accept what I saw. There was nothing disfigured about me, there was nothing ugly about me, and now when I look back I realize I was completely normal. But I never felt normal, I felt ugly, and that's what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I realize this is a feeling tons and tons of people of both genders feel. We are all pressured to look and appear and preform to level that society places on us, and we all pick up that pressure at one point or another in our lives. Some of us are better at shaking it than others, and I happen to be one of the people who had a much harder time. It can be so painful for those it really effects because it becomes subconsciously saturated into all of our decisions, reactions, and interactions, and over time it's increasingly difficult to let go.

My negative self image continued all the way through college. As I did in high school, I sought approval through what I wore, how I did my make up and hair, trying to mask the discomfort of everything underneath. But nothing anyone ever said really made me feel better, and no compliments were ever really accepted because I didn't believe them. It continued to eat at me, and I made really poor choices out of the bitterness I felt toward my body. Even after I started my yoga practice I still continued to feel this way.


Only recently did I start feeling sincere love towards my body. It took years of wanting to change, years of wanting to accept myself for just how I was, and finally months of very consistent yoga practice and dedication towards making choices that were good for my body for me to start to feel comfortable in this home of mine. I still struggle with it, but not nearly in the same way as I did before. It took me waking up to the fact that I had to take action, literal and consistent action, because nothing connects you more to your own body than physical exercise.

Yoga practice is a practice of connecting to the energy that moves throughout your body, and no area is seen as more or less advantaged. Each part is as valuable as the next - the toes, the thighs, the abdomen, the skin, the joints, the tendons, the eyes, the tongue, the heart, all of it- and as you begin to feel the importance and interdependence of each part, you begin to enjoy and appreciate each part for exactly what it is and what it gives you.

I have grown to sincerely love my body because I now feel and seek the feelings my body provides for me. When my body is happy, my mind is happy, and there is no way I would have felt this way had I stayed as disconnected as I had been.

I know now that people make such poor decisions for themselves because they don't hear what their body is telling them. I know the reason why people seek bad habits and thoughtless consumption (of all things, not just food) is because they're trying to seek a fulfillment of something that seems to constantly evade them. But that fulfillment is right inside of you, it's RIGHT THERE, it's so close you can't even touch it but you can feel it so deep within you if you find it. And when you find it you know and trust that it has and will always be there. Finding it and holding onto it takes a lot of work, but all great things do. And although the search and discovery is different for everyone, I am convinced that if a person has a negative self image that their search must start with a surrender to the body, exactly how it is.

If there could be any advice that I give to anyone out there who suffers from a negative self image it would be to take time every single day to be in your body and not in your head. To sit and feel all of the things that are moving through you- all of the energy because there is a lot of it, and it's constantly moving and evolving within you. Notice the tension in any little area, whether it be in your jaw, your toes, your neck, your spine, your forehead, anywhere, and relax it. Notice if you feel good in your skin, and if you don't, ask yourself why. And if negative thoughts come up, let them come up, but make sure to let them go and replace them with positive thoughts. That may be the hardest part, because having a loving self image starts by first showing yourself love, and it can be soooo much harder to sincerely give yourself loving thoughts than it seems.

Be with yourself. Remember that this is your home, and just like any standing structure that you live in you have to do your part to organize it, clean it, and keep it up so that it doesn't collapse but can keep you comfortable for as long as you need it to. Be good to yourself, because your body wants you to, it always wants you to.

And always remember that the beauty of you is that you are changing every single second of every single day, and if you sincerely want to change and become more of who you want to be, all it takes is making that dedicated choice to becoming better little by little.

And yoga is always an option :) haha! But seriously- it changed my life, it could change yours too. Even just a few months ago I could have never thought to put a blog post out in the world like this. But today I think I'm pretty okay with it. x

Quick Edit: I realized I have a lot more to say on this subject, so this post may be a part one!

It finally arrived today - the big day 30! The technical end to the challenge at Sacred! It has been a whirl wind of a 30 days that's for sure. I had no idea what to expect going in, but I feel like I've hit my all time yoga low and all time yoga high in this past month. I'm just glad I went in with the complete conviction that I was going to finish no matter what.

(*Right- snapshots of me either about to fall, falling, or having fallen. &don't worry mom, I'm never anywhere close to the edge of the roof!)


Yesterday might have been my toughest day, for many reasons. Emotionally I don't even think I was in my body, and mentally my thoughts were running nonstop all day. It was one of those days where I couldn't let go of my negativity- it just seethed through me and nothing made me feel good. I didn't want to go to class at all, and I seriously considered not going, but with two days left and having accomplished 28 days already, I knew it wasn't an option. So I draaaaaagged myself there, and I was practically in tears before the class even began. 

(*Left - my 30 inversions for my personal 30 day inversion challenge.  I'm so happy with how far my pincha has come!)

How do you let go during days like that? How do you put yourself aside and move just by the commands of an instructor? How do you focus on breathing when it feels like all of your thoughts have been strangling your brain all day? How do you give into release when all you've been trying to do for 24 hours is find control? At this point I'm not sure I could tell you the answer to any of these, because half way through class I gave up.


(*Right - close up 1 of 2 celebratory inversion poses from today. Getting more time in my handstands, perhaps next month will be a dedicated handstand challenge?)

You know, yoga is not something terribly serious. Class is not a life or death situation, and really, from an observers standpoint it just looks beautiful and peaceful. In action itappears to be rejuvenating, graceful, balanced, strong - exactly all the qualities it in turn gives you. But couldn't you say that about most things? Life included? Most of the time it looks rather easy from the outside, and when done with mindfulness, peacefulness, and openness it actually is pretty easy. But a lot of the time it's actually pretty tough, and when you start to notice all the things influencing and effecting a persons life you start to realize it's extremely complicated. 

On my best days I am what yoga gives me - peaceful, mindful, open, balanced. On my worst days I am fighting against what the world is pushing on me - which could be any combination of crazy things that you pull out of the air. And that fight either wins and I surrender into feeling awful about myself, or I win and get a little extra boost of strength that I can hold onto for the next rainy day. Yesterday I lost, and although I stayed through class and tried my best to finish out each pose, I felt defeated. It's a pretty lame feeling. (*Below- my celebratory pincha pose :)


But what I took from the class, which is a lesson that I've tried to learn over and over and over in a million different ways, is that I can not beat myself up about not being able to do something in the absolute best way I can. Yesterdays class only started getting too difficult when I started feeling like I was doing poorly and I started getting angry at myself for it. From that point it's just a vicious cycle of me getting more and more upset with myself and slowly starting to feel worse and worse. I need to know when to lighten up, and when it's okay for me to say "yeah I can sit this one out." No one except me expects anything from me, so it's okay for me to lower my expectations when it's just too much. But damn it's hard to remember in real time.

The funny thing is I must have needed to really get something out of my system, because today's class was one of the best of the whole 30 days. It was just pure fun, and I left feeling all the wonderful energy a great class fills me with. I'm sure it being my official final day helped a lot, but nothing of the tension that I had last night was with me. Isn't that interesting? The universe can one day feel like it's crashing on us, and the next it can feel like nothing could keep us down. Just goes to show that everything is impermanent, the good and the bad. All we can ask from ourselves is to soak in as much of the beauty and weightlessness from the good times, and to get through the heavy times with grace and with patience. Because it will all eventually pass.

So that's it! 30 days done, yoga blog done…. JUST KIDDING! Neither are done in my book. I'm going for the full 40 yoga days, if not more, and you can expect to see a whole lot more posting here for who knows how long. This yoga girl's journey is no where near the end, and as a matter of fact, this is only the beginning :) x

My mom came into town yesterday and at dinner we started discussing exercise (a topic that often comes up for us) and I told her something that was very true to me about yoga. Yoga is not something I have to do every day to stay fit. It is not my exercise. It is not a requirement for me, not even in this challenge. I am not forcing myself to do this for some perfect result I'm trying to head towards. And it is not "work" in the sense that I have to really try passed my natural desires.


(* Above - the beautiful sky from the other night after practice)

Yoga has become for me a practice of growth and internal and external evolution. It's a necessary balance to keep my body happy, like eating or breathing. It's my daily medicine, and it's my daily check in with myself. The secondary benefits that come naturally are a stronger body and mind, a healthier outlook on life, a growing amount of patience and humility and love…

(* Right- a lot of handstand and pincha practice this week. These poses are too fun to not practice every day!)

(* Below- me and Tanya in our headstands :)

It's just like a sincere long lasting relationship. If you're with someone you love, happiness isn't necessarily always going to be there, because happiness and love aren't always tied together. Happiness is the secondary benefit that comes from being your partner's mirror, their honest and objective reliance, their compassionate and understanding ear, and their loyal heart. Striving for those aspects allows for happiness to naturally find it's way through, and it stays rooted deep rather than just being on the surface.

Yoga is the same way. Each practice is not always going to be awesome and you're not always going to be able to preform in the same way, but the benefits and joy that comes from daily practice born out of the desire for one's own personal growth is deep and long lasting. Which is what I personally think is the key to how yogis live so long :)

This week has been so busy, but what has really kept me grounded through the stress has been my practice. It's a wonderful thing to come back to. I also taught my first "unofficial" class with a friend of mine, and it just reaffirmed how much I really want to teach. I can't wait to start training.

And now off to day 27! I most definitely can't get enough of all of this, so I think I'm just going to keep going and not put an end date on the challenge. Who knows - maybe I'll go a whole lot longer than I thought I could! xo

Another weekend past and another 4 days I've been too busy to blog! Oh well, I'm getting used to the three-entries-a-week routine. It's nice to recap several days of yoga versus every single day.

Days 19-22 taught me a few very interesting things about myself. I'm a worker, by blood, by habit, by everything and when I work I expect to see results and progress. I don't like to "move backward" because I feel like I'm losing valuable time that I could be using to keep growing.


(*Left - my best hollow back handstand to date! Below - a few bloopers. I tried to practice my pincha but it was so windy, no matter where I was on my roof!)

I know that sometimes in order to move forward in the best way we have to take a couple steps back because we may have started walking down the wrong path, or not the best path to get to where we want to go. But I have the hardest time remembering this in real life. I become extremely stubborn and I want to be able to perform at the level I've proven I can perform.

A couple months ago I over extended my upper hamstring right where it meets the back of my hip. It's not a serious injury, but it hurt (still does sometimes) if I sat for too long, or to stretch my hamstrings too deeply. I did a bunch of research and since hamstrings take so long to heal it could take months for this injury to feel completely normal again. The only thing I can do is take it easy. Which I did for a month, and when it started feeling a little better, of course I started stretching it the way I used to. Last Friday it hit me really hard that this injury was nowhere near healed and in fact I might have recently inflamed it more. I became extremely irritated by this, feeling like I couldn't practice fully and I wasn't receiving all the benefits I could be getting.

(*Right - our weekly produce from the community garden! With the mushrooms and the green beans I made a raw green bean casserole which ended up being more like a green bean salad with marinaded beans, mushroom sauce, dehydrated caramelized onions, and chopped almonds.)

Which is not the truth at all. I let this very impermanent injury get into my mind and control my thoughts to the point where I wasn't able to relax into meditation, which I could have done had I just accepted that I needed to back off. Instead of seeing it as an annoyance it is rather an opportunity not only to concentrate on other parts of the postures that need strengthening (and not put all the reliance into my legs!) but to also relax into the acceptance and know that this will all pass. My body will heal, and I will be completely fine through the healing process.

My body and my mind have clearly proven to me that they've been fighting for a while, and this challenge is helping to work out their issues and make them friends again. When my body speaks, I NEED to listen. It's imperative that I listen, because without it … well we all know where I'd be without it. And when my mind speaks I need to listen to it, but with awareness, because sometimes it's speaks out of an immediate defensive reaction versus a conscious, gut-reaction.

(*Right - just before my first pole dancing class which was a blast! Showin off my gunsss...)

So in conclusion, my goal this week is to try to see things differently. To not start with my mind and my developed opinions and judgements, but to try to come into each situation with completely open senses. To listen to all the signals my body is telling me and develop my opinions from those signals. If that means stepping back and having to start over for some things (whether physical or mental) then so be it. It's about conscious growth, not brute force.





Also, one last side note, something I researched recently was the time it takes to break a habit. Many studies say it takes 40 days to break a habit, 90 days to develop a new habit, 120 days to become the habit, and 1000 days to master the habit. I might be extending my 30 day challenge…

I had a conversation with a client Wednesday- the day after my two day birthday hiatus- that included me telling her I was playing a little catch up on work since I had been out of the office. She responded by saying sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to take a vacation because of all the work that piles up. I have to say although I heartily disagree (I always welcome vacation!) it does make a difference when you get back to work- I didn't even realize I had missed 3 days of entries!! I've been so busy...

But as far as my classes at Sacred have been, these last three days have been a super fun triad. Wednesday was the nighttime Flow 75 (favorite standard), Thursday was Get Up Get Down - a flow class with inversion play (so much fun &so many laughs!) and tonight was the Hot Wind Down- a butt kicker and best way to end the week. I have so many thoughts to accompany these classes, but I guess I'll start with the little stuff.

Like the actual little stuff. This week has been interesting because not only have I been having tons of random flashbacks to movies, songs, and books that I haven't thought of since.. junior high? But I've also been dreaming about people who I haven't seen in years! I'm pretty sure that my practice is creating this a bit, allowing things to come up that haven't been thought of or have been pushed down for a long long time.

Why I'm convinced of this is because now that I feel like I have a little more control in class than I've had in the past, I've been able to pay attention to the smaller details of each pose- really deepening and tapping into my edge. This is a great feeling during class and I really feel like I'm connecting to new parts of myself I haven't connected to before, and I feel like I'm also accessing areas of my body that have been untouched for a very long time. All of these little areas have energy triggers and storage spaces that have held things in, and now I'm getting into those areas and doing a little cleaning.

Energetically it's thrown me just a bit. It's been several months since I've gotten emotional because of a class, and this time around I'm calm and concentrated-just trying to ride it out instead of holding on to whatever my body is trying to let go of. But I must say it's tricky sometimes just because my normal habit is to hold things in, focus on them… that line about beating a dead horse- well that's what I usually do with my emotions. I really make sure they're dead before I can walk away from them, and I'm trying so hard to not let myself do that anymore. We only hold onto the things we allow ourselves to hold onto- I don't want to hold onto 10 year old feelings and dispositions. It's not what I want to focus my energy on anymore.


Saying these things is easy, but actually doing them is another story, because it can be really scary to do new things with your emotions especially when they're deeply tied to long standing habits. A really really fun aspect of the Get Up Get Down class was that it really challenged us to face our natural fear of falling/being upside down. It's so funny- I think I had a major Batman moment. I didn't think I was afraid of being upside down, especially after all the falling I've been doing in my personal inversion practice (!!) but during class I caught myself being scared to do simple little things with my body that were geared towards really challenging that fear. And it wasn't until I accepted that I was scared was I really able to face it and work to release it.

I didn't necessarily feel it in class, but today in my pincha practice I was able to fully balance in the pose in a way I haven't ever before. I felt much more control, and it was because I knew I was scared, but I was okay with it. This, to me, was a perfect example of how to work through old emotional habits- the first step being able to see them objectively for what they are, accepting that they've been a part of you for a long time and still are, and then actively working to counter them. And it's not just an emotional process- it's mental, physical, and definitely requires faith (in whatever way that fits you).

So today when I went into class I thought to myself- today I'm going to focus more on these little things, and try to work through them, gain more from them, and release them to make room for more growth. I didn't push myself 100%, I probably could have gone to my edge a little more,  but I walked out feeling really good about how I did, and really good about myself. And that's all you can really ask for when you leave class- that you leave feeling better than how you went in.

It's been a very interesting 3 days- there has never been a class that hasn't taught me something, and I feel like this 30 day challenge is the express route. I still have a bunch of thoughts from these last few days, but considering this post is getting long enough as is, I guess I should stop before I play all my cards ;) I'll leave you with my headstand/ airplane dance pose. Until tomorrow x

(* it was an incredibly beautiful weekend- a view from my favorite yoga spot <3)

Throughout my experience in yoga practice I have learned many things about myself and about exercise, and one of the most important of those lessons is has been that rest is just as important as the actual movement. It's similar to writing- editing is 50% of the work. Well in yoga, rest is 50% of the growth.

It took me a while to learn this. When I first started bikram I was so thirsty for a cleansing that I wouldn't stop. I couldn't stop. Not only was I going 3 times a week (which was a huge jump from doing absolutely none at all) but I was also biking all over the place. It was summer time and I can't even fathom how much sweat I dropped in those 5 months. I would wake up in the morning and just go go go- bike to work, stand on my feet all day, bike home, bike to yoga, eat, sleep, and repeat. There was down time, but it wasn't conscious down time. I clearly needed a change, and I grabbed it the second it came to me, but since I was not giving my body the rest it needed all the work eventually took it's toll on me. I remember there were days when I would wake up and think "I really don't want to go to yoga today- I'm so tired…" but I would go anyway. I got burnt out pretty quickly.

So after time away from the heated room, I began to slowly and naturally ease my way back into my hot practice, and this time around I can feel a dramatic difference. In between classes I allow major resting time. I rest not only for my body, but also my mind. I take calming showers, I make sure to eat fulfilling, nurturing food, and I give myself little treats here and there as little gifts. I listen to what my body is asking for, which is the best thing I think I can do. There is no torture involved, and there is no excessive pushing to do more than I can. I can feel myself getting stronger, more balanced, and more confident with each day- I can see it and feel it in my practice.



Rest is not being lazy or sluggish, and it's not a time to complain or criticize yourself for what you're not doing. It takes just as much consciousness and care as the physical exercise and it is active. It's the time you have to reflect on all the work you're doing and surrender to all the incredible benefits of that work. There is no growth in constant work- that's just robotic. But there is growth in reflective work, and without the down time we wouldn't be able to see just how far we've come since we started our journey.

And on that note, I have to say I got the some of the best sleep of my life last night, and I'm so ready to start into my second week of the 30 day challenge tonight! Between today and yesterday I feel like I've been giving myself a lot of free/fun/fluid time to do whatever I'm craving to do, which of course ends up with me playing around in poses/ in the kitchen/ with crafts :P My inversion challenge progression pictures are shown above (working on stag leg balances this week- and my handstand was held for a full 5 seconds today!!) and a few other things I got to do this weekend!

( *to the right- a strawberry + blueberry pie & a few apple turnovers | below my third tangram coaster - just one more to go!)