I flew out to San Diego a week ago tomorrow, and on the plane ride over I took some time to write the post below. Although I've thought about posting this every day since I landed I haven't, simply because I'm in California, one of my best friends was in town, I've been catching up with old faces, and I'm soaking in as much salty air and sunshine as possible. However, I've finally forced a little discipline on myself to organize this small entry- so below are some thoughts I had almost a week ago, and some.. well actually lots of pictures from the past two weeks :) I hope you enjoy xo

(*some brooklyn fun before the flight out west)
I'm currently on a plane flying out to San Diego. Although my usual reaction to flying is excitement, the closer the day of the flight comes the more I start to get really superstitious. Everything is a sign that this is it, something is going to go wrong, and it's my turn and everyone else on the plane's turn… to die. It happens every time. I eventually end up getting on the plane regardless, and once in the air I'm usually more excited about how incredible everything looks from the height (not to mention the clouds!!) than anything else. I resign myself to the fact that, if this actually were my time, that's exactly what it would be- my time, and I'd have to accept that because what other choice to I have?

(*pre-plane stretching - so important!)

I feel like a lot of things in life are like that- we don't have control over nearly 1% of our lives really. From the food that's put in front of us at the grocery stores, the quality of the air in neighborhoods we live, even what we'll encounter once we step out of our doors- all of those things have already been determining themselves. The food has already been picked by the farmers and been transported by the pilots and/or the truck drivers, the people in our cities have already been driving and the planes have already been flying, seeping their exhaust into the air while the trees and plants keep trying to soak it up, and we all have our own agendas which usually lead us to come into contact with everyone else that stepped out their own front doors. All of these things and millions of other little decisions and actions are happening and occurring throughout the world and the universe all the time, and to think we have any control over any of it is incredibly arrogant. We each have an effect on the ongoings of the world, and thus our decision making (each and every decision) is incredibly important and symbolic, but our level of control externally is minimal.

(*when cec was in town we made sure to go to the beach every single day)

Which leads me to my thoughts on self control. The one arena we each have the opportunity to hold complete power is our own selves. Our minds, our bodies- our thoughts, words, actions, beliefs, attitudes are all things we have 100% control over. Most of the time I'm not sure most people realize the immensity of this power we are capable of having. Most of the time we're all too busy and too distracted trying to control the impermanence around us to even recognize the sheer wonder of our own bodies and capability of our characters.

The movie for the flight was 42 - the movie about Jackie Robinson's first few years in the major leagues. What a story. He is a man who is an incredible representation of what inner power and strength of self can prove. The sheer stamina let alone grace, patience, and determination came all from within him, despite the excessive and ignorant opposition he faced.

(*california yoga <3)
While watching the movie I felt incredibly humbled and inspired by how strong of a character he had. And I just kept thinking- we are all capable of that kind of strength. Every single one of us. It's just allowing ourselves the opportunity. Clearly we won't all find it through baseball (some of us will find it through yoga ;) but the natural ebb and flow of life forces challenges on us whether we like it or not, and those are truly our opportunities to look within ourselves to see just how strong we can be. The external world wants to hand us challenges, and we all go through different ones that become unique to each of our lives. And that's exactly what they are- they are the bumps in our journeys.

I was thinking earlier about how much I've learned in the past few years. About how much I've changed and how much stronger I've become because of certain experiences I found my way into years ago. And I realized that all of the people who I have for so long considered to be the negative people that were the source of a lot of my pain, self doubt, self loathing, and personal confusion were also the source of my positive change. Had I never met those people and made those unhealthy decisions for myself, I never would have stumbled, fallen, learned to pick myself up, and then kept walking. I would have never found the strength in myself to choose differently and move away from those people because I knew I was worth more. I would have never started my journey of proving to myself that I feel that I'm worth more. So really, all of those people helped me and guided me. Not in the most nurturing ways, sure, but where would I be without them?

(*moments...)


The challenges we encounter are not there to beat us down, or destroy our spirits. They may do that for a period of time, but that's just what it is - a period of time. Because what they're really there for is proving to us that we are all capable of finding strength from the obstacles. They're there for us to be reminded of how strong we are. Because we are. Just think about the human body and how much it can physically endure, right? Well our spirits, our characters, our selves (as much as it seems the world at times is telling us the opposite) are just as strong- if not stronger. Because sometimes just will power can make the body do seemingly super human things.

So I'm still on this plane, and I'm not scared, because if it goes down I'm ok knowing that it was just my time. My family, my friends and my boyfriend all know how much I love them, and that's what matters to me. And at the very least I've learned, and hopefully helped other's learn, a few awesome things about life. And I feel really good knowing that although I am still really scared to be strong, and really scared of finding myself, and really scared of being myself and being strong in a world where so many people are so judgmental and critical (mostly out of fear and fear of facing themselves I know!) I'm still really glad that I'm trying and I've given myself the opportunity to try.

(*more california yoga <3)
Finding inner strength is not easy, and like everything else it takes practice and many reminders. So this post has become one of my many official reminders. BE STRONG. You'll end up hitting home runs like Jackie Robinson.