Yesterday I took a class with an instructor I've been slightly afraid of. I've experienced teachers I've been afraid of in the past, but only because they're usually really pushy and have said things that I know are directed right at me when I feel like I'm failing. I used to just give up with those teachers before, and stop taking their classes all together.

This instructor, however, I'm afraid of just because his classes beat me every single time. I leave feeling like I've just gone through a major cleansing- which isn't something I'm always prepared for (yeah, sometimes I go to hot yoga just to get a little stretch time in!). So needless to say I've been avoiding his classes- trying to build up the strength I need so that I can go in and come out and not feel like I need to sleep for 24 hours.

But I took a class of his yesterday, and I surprised myself. I felt great afterward. Granted it was one of his morning classes which I know isn't as rigorous, but it gave me a sense of motivation.

Every once and a while experiences like this kick in and remind me that every little thing I'm doing is guiding and constructing me in the direction that I'm striving towards. Every day will not be the same, and every day will not have encouraging reminders, but if I remember to pay attention to the times they are there, the moments when they aren't will be easier to get through.

With all that being said, I have another one of his classes to look forward to on Thursday. Fingers crossed!

Ps. I'm documenting this 30 Day challenge with a corresponding personal challenge- an inversion a day! Day 1 started with a tripod headstand :D

The more I practice the easier other small things become. I've already noticed that biking with my computer in my backpack is easier. Walking with heavy bags is easier. And more importantly, staying in down dog for what feel like forever at the beginning of class is easier. My posture is stronger, even sitting for long periods of time is easier.

When I first started practicing again a few months ago that became my main focus. I had bent forward into down dog and Sonya, my instructor, came and adjusted my arms inward. I couldn't take it. I had been putting all my weight into my upper shoulders and it was, without my knowledge, building a stressful tension around my neck. She said my hugging my arms to my ears I would be putting the weight into my upper back and lower shoulders, which is a naturally strong area. It's the area that can help carry you through anything.

So I've been focusing on that every time I practice. I've also noticed I have this strange tension (perhaps a knot?) in my right shoulder that sometimes causes my right arm to get numb and tingly. I know this is a build up of stress- I use my right arm for everything, and it would make sense that it became a storage space for unreleased emotions.

 But as for this pose I had no idea I had the arm and back strength for this. When I move into it I feel physically liberated. There is a complete openness that comes with this posture- a release that gives you this incredible rush. I think it's opened me up to love and enjoy backbends.

Reminiscent of a few years back, yesterday a good friend of mine accompanied me to yoga. And actually this particular friend is the reason why I practice yoga at all. I had been going through a time in my life where I was making choices based on nothing… perhaps they were based on my insecurities and were influenced by the people I was associating with, but I truly feel during this time I wasn't making conscious or thoughtful decisions. I was reactive in the worst sense of the word. Needless to say I was a bit of a wreck, treating myself very poorly and living off of coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, and very very little sleep.

I had heard of hot yoga and knew KNEW I would love it, but I had taken no steps to actually finding a class when this same friend of mine mentioned she was trying out bikram studios. My first class kicked my ass, but since I didn't really know what to expect, I had no expectations and I did pretty well. I felt incredible afterwards, as if I had just spent 2 hours with a soft scrub brush cleaning out my whole inner body. Although I loved what I had experienced, the chaos of college kept me from going to my next class for another three months. But the one I did go to was particularly fun. It was the night sweats class at Bikram LES, and between the pink lights and pumpin jams, somewhere I got hooked. I started going three times a week.

What was so wonderful about this time was that the transformation that I felt in myself was directly correlated to my dedication to yoga. I had just shaved off all of my bleach blonde curly locks (key sign for needed change!) and I felt like a totally different person. I was trying to figure out who that person was when bikram opened me up to the possibilities of who I could be. I found a trust in myself that never had before, and I started treating myself and my environment with love and consciousness. I quit my job, I stopped smoking, I started eating better, I was biking everywhere, and I felt amazing. I began exploring a stronger side of myself, and my weaknesses were dripping away with each class.

But as always life gets in the way of things we need sometimes and my senior year of college took me away from my steady practice. I had also reached a point where I didn't have the dedication for class anymore- I had thrown myself into this new world so quickly, and I think the exhaustion caught up to me. So I took a break- a break that felt like it was three years when it was only off and on through one.

And then I came back. Stepping into a hot room felt like coming home. There is a safety in the class, and I feel like I can open myself in ways that are unacceptable in the real world. Each person in the class is pushing and cleansing themselves with same strength and power, and the connection you feel to the people around you is a palpable and wonderfully fulfilling energy. It's one of my favorite places to be, and I'm so glad I'm back.

On my days in between classes I've been trying to get up and stretch as often as possible. Taking a second (or a minute) to find balance in a posture I've found clears my head and helps me refocus when I turn back to my computer. I'm just glad I work from home so that I can take these moments and not interrupt my coworkers. Perhaps one day all offices will have 10 minute yoga/meditation breaks every few hours. I equate it to nap time in preschool- its so rejuvenating.

One of my latest focusses have been on my hamstrings. I've always considered myself flexible until recently I've realized my hamstrings are nowhere near where I want them to be, and I'm going to have to work pretty hard to get them loosened up. I can feel that right where below where my hips begin is the where they start to weaken and that's where my back starts to want to bend.

Although I can easily place my hands flat on the floor and pull my feet up from any sitting forward fold, the ability to bend with a straight back is something I know will benefit me in so many postures. The focus is now to bend solely with a flat back to feel the stretch begin from the base of my spine and work downward instead of my legs upward. If that means I have to bend my knees (which I totally look down on for some reason!) then I will for the benefit of a full forward stretch.

Waking up early is not my strong suite. I pride myself on it when I go back home to California, but that's technically cheating- 6am San Diego time is equivalent to 9am Brooklyn time. There's no discipline there.

So when I tell myself I'm going to go to 7am yoga, a part of me knows I'm kidding myself. I say it as though I know it's fact, I will be going, but there's a little part of me that's also saying "Yeah! If I wake up!" That's not very effective if I actually want to get out of bed at 6 and make the trek.

I could blame the weather. It being 30 degrees or less outside doesn't exactly excite me. But I'll be going to a cozy warm, womblike room where I can stretch and expose myself openly to the day ahead- that's pretty comforting.

This is my current yoga challenge. To get up and go! Take the step outside! I know I'll feel like my better self after I do it. No more excuses, because I really enjoy going, so what's holding me back?

I'll let you know when I figure that part out.