Every day that goes by I think about writing another blog post. I'm now in my third week of YTT and there have been such a vast array of things going through my head. Things about yoga and asana for sure, but also things about myself, my family, my relationships, experiences that I thought I understood before that I'm now interpreting in entirely new ways. It's mind boggling - like, if I were to describe what mind boggling feels like, this is DEFINITELY it.

 

It's not that my whole world is being flipped on it's head, because it isn't. A lot of what we're digging into in class is stuff that I have encountered before in some capacity, but we're going so much deeper into all of it. One of my fellow teachers in training described in the first week as "a breaking down to build back up," and I am totally feeling that this week.



Having the opportunity to take the vivid, exciting, and completely elevating information that I'm gathering in class right into my world each week is daunting. I am naturally finding myself questioning and observing and being aware of so many new things in my world. It's pretty exhausting. And to be honest right now…. I'm scared. I'm so in love with this whole process, and every time I'm in the space of the studio I'm excited and I feel safe, but when I step out of the studio I'm so scared. I'm scared of not retaining all of it, I'm scared of not being able to eventually teach to my full potential, I'm really scared to go through all of this and not come out on the other end more well-round, more knowledgable, more compassionate and understanding, and I'm super scared about how much I'm going to change from this. I wouldn't consider myself a person with an aversion to change, but you know when it's happening rapidly it's always hard, and it's always scary because it's the first time you're doing something completely new.


One thing I have to say I've been doing lately, that I think is one of the hardest things and is partly what's facilitating my nerves, is that I've been giving myself permission. In moments when I feel the voices creeping up in my head saying "you can't do that! you won't be able to do that! you're not good enough!" I clear them out as quick as I can, and I tell myself "you can. you always can. you may not right now if it's not you're time, but be receptive, be thoughtful, and it will come from your heart just right and at the right time." And this is for so many things. For things I want to say to people who are close to me, to asana's in my physical practice, to future goals I want to achieve - those voices come up, and I'm giving myself complete permission to shut them the fuck up.

But, you know, that means I put myself out there a bit more, which, of course, is terrifying. Seeing yourself in a completely honest way is something that is really really hard but I think should be done often - because we are constantly changing minute by minute, but also because it helps us confront exactly what needs to be taken care of at that moment, and it doesn't build and explode out of us later on. I guess the point I'm trying to make right now is that I feel like some stuff is pouring out of me from the past (particularly this week) and I'm doing my best to acknowledge it, and take care of it. Most of that time that means seeing it and letting it go immediately.

I think this post is becoming more of a free-for-all of a bunch of things floating around in my head, however, this week has been emotionally confusing for me and when that happens I usually have to spew out what I'm feeling in one way or another. It's a good thing I've got this blog…

To wrap this one up I'll just say that the Yoga Sutra's are something I think everyone should read at some point if they're interested in thinking about the universe in a very big, yet very personal way and they're looking to find the tools for inner stillness, Daring Greatly should be required reading - I couldn't have written any of this post had I not been in the middle of this book, and everyone should breathe from their diaphragm - let go of the sucking in! It'll expand your world- trust me.

Much love all <3


ps. I've been doing a lot of ig yoga lately, and the ones you see here are just some of my favorites :) and yes that's my boyfriends face in the last one.