There are some days when it feels like getting through class is the hardest thing I've ever done. The heat of the room feels unbearable, all of the postures are attacking instead of aiding, and my mind just won't shut up. I even caught myself negotiating in my head, saying something like, "if I just get through this vinyasa, then I'll go into child's pose." I wasn't even giving myself the option to know if getting to flow and ending in down dog would make me feel good. It's these classes that I might as well call the "giving up classes".
The problem is I never want to feel like my behavior in these classes is ever justified. Even if something emotionally is coming up, it shouldn't matter. Focus and dedication to the postures is the most important therapy, and so if I can then I should. But even though I can say this in my head, I know in my heart I don't yet have the ability to set aside my emotions/ego and focus strictly on the flow. I connect too deeply my emotions to my body, and if certain areas are activated (my lower abs, my heart, my right shoulder) and I become aware of the activation I break.
I do not doubt that today had something to do with my grandmother being sick, and my family being in a state of confused sadness, and all the other things I allow myself to get depressed about, but when it comes to focussing on a meditative practice, the only way to work through my feelings about all the other things going on around me, is by focussing on keeping at least one main part of me strong- my body.
This is something I have to remind myself. Step into my body, surrender, relax… everything I'm experiencing in class is geared to help me cope with everything outside of class. It's always worth it, and it's never as bad as I think it is in just that moment. Knowing when to take a break is incredibly important, but if my ego is screaming for that break when I know my physical body doesn't need it, that's what I have to recenter, focus on my breath, and keep going.
